TV Review - Wednesday 30th June - Portugal v Holland

Hang on, Platini's famous winner against Spain in 1984 to open? Ah, we see, "a remarkable statistic" - "no, not the last time Motty got excited" Gary gags, perhaps forgetting Alfonso - being this was the last time the hosts got to the final, all having fallen at the semi-final hurdle since. Big Phil Scolari gets mobbed on his way in as Gary gets all clever about how he could become the first foreign coach to win a major tournament - "yes, I know strictly speaking they're all foreigners to us, but you know what I mean." Tonight the Dutch are wearing "white, with just a dash of orange". Schmeichel has been appointed Portugal expert in situ, saying of Scolari that after a slow start in winning public opinion "they love him... they want him as president or prime minister". They have both? Hansen's job is to analyse a defender, Carvalho, as "it's not often we get a Portuguese defender to eulogise". "What awaits us now, apart from the national anthems?" is Motty's rhetorical, not to mention prosaic, question. The referee is "Anders Frisk - he is frisk, the way he runs around the pitch", which is more information than we strictly required. Motty starts awkwardly, slipping up with "Figo for Holland - sorry, Portugal" and mentioning "the omens would appear to be with the hosts - except for that curse Gary Lineker was talking about earlier", surely a producer reminder. "Deco, aptly named - he decorates the game in midfield" is Barry Davies at his most hackneyed. Portugal start well, Lawro reckoning "this is the best start to any game that they've made", but Motty is star spotting, seeing Platini on the monitor and commenting "we showed that famous goal from 1984, and the scorer is in the stadium". Lawro invokes Ron Atkinson by reckoning "he beat him for fun" - and in no other way - before suggesting he's been ringing home like a typical British tourist when Motson comments on the heat, replying "don't tell them at home, it's raining, isn't it?" Someone in crowd appears to have a harmonica, but it's not Johan Cruyff, who Motson points out in another crowd shot, Lawro curiously suggesting "we'll take your word he's in the stadium". "Maybe Cruyff will come and comment on the game in the second half". We can but hope. As Portugal press and someone in the crowd plays a harmonica Lawro suggests drastic measures early, harking back to when "they brought van Hooijdonk on towards the end and played real route one football", Motty replying "that was against Germany, I saw that game". He watches football? Wow! Ronaldo's getting in, running with "first one foot, then the other", and he's quite good with his head too. Not that that's Motson's primary concern. "Oh, and that's Ronaldo! A goal for Portugal... but he's taken his shirt off and Anders Frisk is going to book him! He's gone to the crowd and Frisk is reaching for his yellow card!" Ever the football romantic. "But never mind, Portugal won't worry too much about that" he eventually concedes, although he seems more rattled than Cristiano himself. "A halting performance by Holland, but a positive one by Portugal" seems the sort of line he's been writing down for five minutes, which seems awkward. Of course, we all love Motty when he really gets excited. "Stil Luis FigOOAAAAAAAAOOO! He's hit the post! One of the moments of the tournament!" Well, it wasn't a goal and they're still behind in the semi-final, but it's the thought that counts. "Every time it gets into the Portuguese half, Portugal break away" is Lawro's adjudication, while even Motty gets critical of "Seedorf and Davids, two players whose reputations I've never quite understood". "Dutch players arguing with each other" Motty observes as they defend a free kick, which Lawro observes is "nothing new there, then". "After a slow start that certainly livened up" Gary reckons at half time, the pundits all in praise of the Portuguese. Peter admits previously "I haven't been the greatest fan of Figo in this tournament", Ian pointing out "You've been slaughtering him". Gary relays the news that a Dutch pundit thought Advocaat should be "hung or (mutters)" "Or what?" "Hung or stabbed!" That gets them in a good mood, Wright's observation on Davids' defending at the goal, "why do people hold the post?", leading everyone to piss themselves at the slo-mo. Alan sees Scolari reflecting "happy, happy times", Gary jumping the gun in labelling him a "genius". Luis Figo's performance is a particular high point, Alan remarking "Beckham used to do that" as if David was a contemporary of Stanley Matthews. Ian says van der Sar "looks like a Subbuteo goalie" diving for Figo's shot, while Peter suggests his improved game has been helped because after the England substitution "he needed a good kick... I won't say the next part of it". What next part? "They've got a mountain to climb - no mountains in Holland" is far too quick from Gary, who mocks Ian for his liking for Arjen Robben by showing a clip of him booting the ball 60 yards to nowhere, Wright straight-facedly asking "how do you do that?" On re-emerging Motson notes the Portuguese "look to me to have the more lively expressions", while on the other side "he's having one, Van Bronckhorst, I'm afraid". Interesting vernacular. "They're so much more mobile, Portugal, than Holland" Lawro chips in, and Portugal are continuing where they left off. "And here's Pauleta, real chance for Portugal - and van der Sar saves! That was the moment when they could have put one foot in the final!" That came a bit later, at which Motson nearly went stratospheric : "it's been taken quickly... and Maniche! Amazing! 2-0 Holland! Where did that come from?" Lawro adds "this'll be up there, one of the goals of the tournament". And it was, not that we knew at the time, the director having missed the strike showing a replay of the corner being conceded, although Motson had spotted the danger in his commentary. "I don't think our host broadcasters really caught it" he later notes, adding "it's almost a Van Basten - it wasn't on the volley, of course." Well, cheers. Just as we suspect the BBC duty log switchboard overflows, he adds "we're sorry that the local coverage didn't give you better coverage of that goal, as you know the BBC aren't in control of these pictures - I don't think van der Sar caught it either". Ho ho. "All over Lisbon, all over the country there'll be great scenes of jubilation" he states not exactly chancing his arm with rash predictions, but before we know it "van Nistelrooy's in here... oh, it's an own goal!" John's speech suddenly becomes very clipped when identifying Jorge Andrade as the defender whose interception meant "Holland, almost accidentally, are back in the semi-final". Lawro thinks had his defender not got there "the goalkeeper might have saved it also." "also." "That's the end of that." Nice to have these exchanges during the live game, chaps. Motson spends the rest of the game a notch above his already fairly excitable state, chastising the coverage ("not quite sure why we're seeing Ronaldo's goal again"), noting "there's a row going on with the referee" on a semi-regular basis and pacifying Lawro when he comes in with lines like "you could say the goalkeeper's hopping mad, I suppose" when Ricardo goes down injured. "Anything can happen in this semi-final now" he predicts, although perhaps putting it a little too all-inclusively. Ricardo rolls around again, an unsympathetic Lawro commenting "he's been shot". Holland have their dander up, Davids marauding so well Motson is forced to concede "I take back what I said about him in the first half". Holland are trying everything - "he's won a free kick - I thought he threw himself there a bit" - but just as Motson ventures "surely Anders Frisk will blow any time?" "He has!" and Portugal are in a final. John celebrates by turning into Barry Davies. "500 years ago the explorer Vasco de Gama discovered a new world from these parts, and now Portugal are in uncharted territory." Mmm. Looking back, Gary remarks on Ronaldo's celebration "if I had a body like that I'd take my shirt off too" and there's more Davids post-minding comedy, Ian taking the biscuit with "he's a little dreadlocked teapot!" Gary again apologises for them Portugals missing the second goal, attempting "rumours that the cameraman was David James are incorrect" to groans, and worries "we've got no chance of getting any sleep whatsoever". At least he's got a few days off now. Wright analyses the own goal, reckoning "if a forward tried to get onto that to chip the keeper he couldn't do it - only a defender could do that". Ian's own abilities to read strikers come into question, being royally prodded about his predictions of great things for Pauleta and admitting "I think I've jinxed the guy", Alan teasing "How many goals has he got?" and receiving "he's not got any, Al, and I think you know that" before vainly offering up "I tipped Milan Baros as well. Do you not remember me doing that?" Luis Figo doing the British TV post-match interview again! "I think Portugal have fantastic players, youngest players..." is his declaration for the team's success. "The good news is we'll see Pauleta in the final, the bad news is we won't see Robben" Gary wraps up with the pundits. Overmatey in the circumstances, yes, but let's see Des and Andy do that sort of thing. So that's the stadium full for the final - let's see the quality of opponent before we become too hasty...

TV Review - Sunday 27th June - Czech Republic v Denmark

"I think I've just about got over the first of them" Gary assures us introducing the last quarter-final, but "what would you rather win - the European Championships or the World Cup?" OK, Gary, we know you've not been on since, but get over it already. Pointlessly, Jamie Redknapp's been upgraded to the live team - it can't be because he impressed on the highlights shows, can it? "The not so great Dane, Alan Hansen" reveals his grandfather was Danish, which is a turn-up. Even with a slightly shortened intro Gary has to fill with a quiz question which confuses everyone before Barry's ready. "There are quite a few empty seats in the stadium tonight" is his almost regretful early note, but he does perk up on seeing a "very tuneful young lad" among the Czechs. Jose Mourinho's there, as "he seems to be everywhere at the moment, and saying a lot". To who? The Czechs are top of the Fair Play league at least, Barry remembering to note they're "among the contenders at playing the game as well". His usual foibles come into play, as a felled player recovers "like Lazarus" and he virtually scolds the referee for giving "a free kick for such a silly thing like that". Oh, and all them foreign funny names, especially those that "sounds like a ladies' netball match". As a trumpeter starts playing Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye Baz notes "it was league football, now it's cup football", perhaps misinterpreting the tournament structure. A long stoppage leads to Barry and Mark Lawrenson casting an eye over the stands, Lawro wondering "I'm sure there was a man at the back who was asleep" while Baz points to "the man in the bare chest with 1992 written across it" and "a lady looking up at the monitor". No, it's not a classic. "You know how bad the game is? We've got a Mexican wave." Don't commentators usually love that kind of thing? Lawro has a plan, as in "last night's game, the best bit was extra time, so let's just fast forward and cut out the middle". Baz harks back to the days when "I mentioned players wanting other players to be booked and I was taken to task by Joe Mercer", expanding on this no more. We know Mercer was one of the first regular BBC pundits, but that's taking it a bit too far. "That half was so bad, even the technique on the Mexican wave was poor" is Gary's summation, adding "the reserves were better than this - perhaps they should come back". Hansen says "they've been on the booze every night", which may well be libellous, while Gary calls Koller "the proverbial head on a stick". Alan complains "you always give us something that's half-decent", which leads Gary to promise "special moments", Alan accurately predicting "oh, it's comedy then?" When the two Czechs late back onto the pitch return we get going, and soon enough "the goalkeeper comes and doesn't get there", Koller putting in so little effort "the lighthouse barely had to flash its light". Er, if you want. Barry's ire is raised by Jesper Gronkjaer combining a neat fall under no pressure with a pull of Nedved's hair : "Unbelievable! Unbelievable! And that wasn't too good either... cheating is the word." Milan Baros gets his revenge for Pavel soon enough and the Czechs are coasting through, Lawro replying to a substitution query "and your reading of that is?" "the Czechs are winning 2-0" and leaving it at that. "There might be more, there might be here... there is!" 3-0, and "as against England in the World Cup, so against the Czech Republic". "They're certainly not the only team in this Championship who have contributed to their own downfall" he helpfully adds, while Mark suggests someone "take Peter's shoelaces off before it gets any worse". Otto Rehhagel is spotted making copious notes, Lawro suggesting "he's given a Viking funeral to his Danish notes". In the middle of a stadium? "Listen to the hand he's being given" is Barry's illogical but proud statement as Baros goes off. Another old chestnut is revived when Cech makes a diving block and Barry tut-tuts "in the Premiership he might be made to pay for it". Foreign keepers, you see, always parrying or punching the ball away. Nedved's still trying, Barry almost proudly noting "you'd have thought it was still 0-0, the determination to win that ball" as the Danes start to lose it, Gravesen kicking Heinz and then shouting at him, Barry rhetorically asking "what's he complaining about?". As Lawro refers to someone called Groncher Baz notes "a reluctance from Danish supporters to join in the rave, save to say goodbye". "Tomas Sorensen, warming the air" doesn't sound like the most workable of eco-systems to us. Barry by this stage has completely lost it, reckoning the Czechs in Porto is "appropriate... fine wine, well matured", with "a sprinkling of youngsters to fortify the wine". But Barry, it's not wine. They're enjoying this, the Republic, "all the noise is coming from the throats of Czechs" and "even their goalkeeper can show he's useful on the deck" as he turns an onrushing striker. 3-0, then, "the Czech Republic challenge goes on, and it is a considerable challenge". Peter Schmeichel back in the box gives a lesson on defending corners which includes the wise advice "you need to have players inside the box, and players outside the box", gary chiding "it must be very difficult for Sorensen, he looks up and in the top left hand corner there's Schmeichel". Top left? From both boxes? Gary and Alan find amusement in Nedved falling over some bottles until Gary admits "I think we're overdoing that joke", something you'd never hear from, say, Ally McCoist, before Hansen turns on Lineker's dismissals of Koller, claiming "you said he's such a bad player you couldn't believe he was playing in such a good team" and knowingly concluding "he knows nothing about centre forwards". He's happy, though, given "Holland were one of the five teams I picked before the start... Peter Reid picked 16". Gary does however spoil the mood at the death with another one from the Bumper Book Of Czech Jokes, being "Czech-out time for the Danes". Three games left...

TV Review - Saturday 26th June - Holland v Sweden

But they are bothering. "England would have played the winners of this" is Des' take, as opposed to, say, "the winners of this play Portugal". Holland are "slight favourites", whatever that means, while Ally refers to "questions whether he can do it outside Scotland", because he was nothing before moving to Celtic, wasn't he? Alongside him Robbie refers to "one of the few Dutch players who play in Holland", er, Ibrahimovic. Well, we're not going to tell him. "Next we'll meet the players" Des promises before the first break, but of course there's no such thing unless you count the players coming onto the pitch. Clive's in the box, warning "you may wish to fiddle with the colour controls on your remote... ITV1 will be rather yellow and orange for the next couple of hours, you may wear sunglasses if you wish." Those crazy foreigners with their non-primary coloured kits, eh? He then refers to "some red raw European flesh on show to match the red raw European nerves", which is a distressing thought. The colours obsession continues with a reference to "oranges and lemons", even though Holland are playing in white, eventually working round to proper sarcasm, "the referee tonight, by the way, is Edgar Davids of Holland" as Davids and the actual ref argue. Well, it's a start, give him a break. Clive reminds us that Sweden made it here after notoriously drawing 2-2 with Denmark, but "I can assure you I was at that match and it was all fair and square", and anyway they wouldn't be in that position were it not for the goals of Henrik Larsson, such as his header against Bulgaria "which I know is a favourite goal of the championships for many of you". How does he know? Does he have written proof? He will go on to call the countries "neighbours", which is stretching it a little, in mentioning that they haven't played each other since 1983 but club duties mean there's "not too many mysteries out there". van Nistelrooy goes down easily in the area and is threatened with "a card the colour of their (the Swedes') shirts". Let it go, man! Andy, in common with many other co-commentators, wields the word "simulation" as a damning criticism, Clive commenting "there are one or two million nodding heads around the country" at his reference to Ruud's diving. No bitterness there. A few minutes later at a free kick Andy refers to his "usual offside position" with a mixture of scorn and anticipation. It comes to nothing, luckily for us all. So little is happening by this stage Clive is reduced to talking about Midsummer's Eve celebrations in Sweden. "What's going on, Ally?" What does go on is Des almost desperately having to stop the sometime McHaddock going on about Ruud and offside again, and then issuing a "steady, chaps" over the latest close-up of a bikini topped female fan. For the second time in two days an ITV commentator reminds us at half time that the game may well go to extra time and penalties with reference to England. Not that they're obsessed. Ah, Manolo. "You'd love to be sat next to him, wouldn't you?" Clive remarks, as if he were your mum. He then continues his occasional habit of captioning cutaways, offering a "cheer up, Dick" at Advocaat looking slightly concerned. His big decision is to take off Davids, "not exactly derring-do from Dick Advocaat, but there you go" says Clive, who adjudges that "the fall of night here in Faro has brought the temperature down a degree or two, and the quality of the game has gone up", a game, in fact, "now dancing to a rather quicker beat". Not quick enough, though, to stop Clive from really stretching for a reference for those at home to grab onto, settling as he does for "you're not old enough to remember Roger Davies of Derby County? Ibrahimovic reminds me of him". Age must be doing something to him, as he speculates "it's getting to that time of night when the children of England are hoping for extra time and they might just get to stay up a bit later again tonight. No school tomorrow - why not?" No, Clive. Just... no. Michael Reiziger's throw-in technique comes in for close scrutiny, Tyldesley observing it "looks like a foul throw... he comes round the side" before wondering if "one or two cricket umpires would like to have a look at that action - Muralitharan..." He gets no further with that thought, possibly on realising it's pointless. He goes on to offer no proof that "they call him Balloo in Sweden, Tommy Soderbergh" before playing the home card again - "the more we see, the more we wonder what a chance England had... nothing to fear here". Plenty to fear, surely? "That is the end of 90 goalless minutes" eventually, and into the ads we go, after which Des has just enough time to admit it's "not quite the classic we've been expecting" before interrupting the punditry in mid-flow because the game's about to restart and Clive has to attempt to explain the silver goal rules as if it's further maths, coming up with "the best way to think of it is two mini games of football" as if he's Humphrey Lyttleton introducing One Song To The Tune Of Another on I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. "Not one player on the field tonight has looked like he's wanted to get hold of the game and be the man" is Andy's hypothesis, conjuring up all sorts of thoughts of Ruud, who according to Clive "doesn't always see the pass", suddenly declaiming himself as if he were Eddie Murphy. Holland nearly get the break when Isaksson lets the ball bounce away and - "lucky, lucky man!" - onto the post. "He looked like the little boy who didn't really want to play cricket today so they stuck him on the boundary and suddenly the ball was coming at him a little bit faster than he wanted" Clive continues with his other obsession, adding "they should move him to third man quickly". That'd screw up the gameplan. A Swede goes down in a heap after Ruud "just caught him right on the Adam's apple" accidentally, but Andy's not so sure, replying "you're not convincing me, you know". Clive's "I'll do it to you after the game and see how you like it" is a little too forceful for comfort. Even after a half of extra time "a pin and a blindfold" is still needed to determine what we must now refer to as the man, and so "another mini-game" ensues. Or just extra time continuing until the normal end of proceedings. Jaap Stam lines up a free kick, which would be odd to most of our untrained eyes but not to Clive, who assures us "I've seen Stam take free kicks and when he strikes them they stay struck". It sails over, but not as badly as "Cocu... I know what word I want to say to you, as that's what Cocu's just done". What word's that, then? With the game "gradually being shaken and opened up" - what, again? - but heading for a goalless end Clive bites the bullet and has to sound serious while declaring "those of you waiting for the Stars In Their Eyes Celebrity Special" will have to wait. An immediate cutaway of the Swedish bench brings the almost inevitable, if scientifically inaccurate, "tonight, Tommy, I will be a European Championship semi-final match". Patronisation follows as he reckons "the Dutch do bring colour to every game, and they do support their team in a really engaging way, as do the Swedes". Engaging. Now there's a word you don't see often enough in celebrations of fan culture. Clive then elects to take the piss out of Ljungberg's declaration he'd like to play in the Olympics, wondering what Wenger would say. Two small points here : the Olympic competition is essentially a under-21 world cup now but with overage players allowed, and moreover Sweden didn't qualify for it. Finally it's finished and we can "enjoy the sight of someone else's nation's players going through the agony of a penalty shootout". And of *course* ITV head straight for a commercial break on the final whistle and rejoin as the keepers head for the goal. "it's a lottery, of course, but it's thrilling" remarks Des, while Clive goes for satirism in mentioning "the penalty spot didn't move". "Advantage Holland!" Townsend analyses where Ibrahimovic went wrong, claiming "most people come at the ball these days from a slight angle, he ran straight at that one". Ljungberg gets his enormous, if technically illegal in a shoot-out, stroke of luck, and he "cannot repeat that - I thought he'd scooped it over". Andy's advice on going past the five penalties is "not a penalty taker? Hit it." Mellberg doesn't - more Villa! Juan Pablo Angel's getting the spot kicks next season, then - Robben does and "it's Holland's turn - overdue turn". The Dutch celebrate like they've won the thing, Kluivert and van der Sar bringing their kids out for the lap of honour, Tyldesley captioning the latter "my dad saved a penalty tonight!" Andy can only hark back to the Republic's 1990 triumph "15 years ago", a mathematical error possibly explained when he wonders "I wonder if the Dutch players will be able to drink as much as we did." "I'd like to see them try" is Clive's response. Finely tuned top level athletes there. Much of the ITV talk is about how great penalty shoot-outs are, Robbie defending them with the line "it makes great TV" while Ally reckons "they're compulsive viewing". Nobody actually thinks this outside ITV pundits, do they? "It's as if they didn't both want to lose" Earle somewhat obviously declares. And of course they now have 15 minutes to pad out by talking at length about David Beckham, so all's well that ends well. If you're ITV.

Anyone hanging on for our review of Holland-Sweden...

...sorry, but for reasons we're not entirely sure of ourselves our PC crashed during the write-up and we lost a good portion of our work. Luckily we've got the game on video, so if you don't mind hanging on for a day or so? Cheers.

From the Whose Bloody Idea Was This? department

a search for not only lookalikes of the England squad but of their partners too. If Colleen McLoughlin is your "idol" we'd suggest you seriously consider your system of values. Plus, under 16 year olds only? Have fun finding a Svenalike.

TV Review - Friday 25th June - France v Greece

An enthralling tactical battle in the knockout stages of a major competition? That can wait, we've got England to get through first. "Got over it yet?" Well, clearly Terry hasn't, as he's raging about it. Andy's "looked at this all day" with regard to the disallowed goal, while Des exhorts us to "watch the ball rather than the kicker" as if nobody else had suggested the penalty spot might have become substandard. "Our cameraman got down onto the pitch last night", and sure enough there's a close-up of the offending turf. In daylight. "Well, Plan A was to be that we'd meet them again in the final", but with no pre-game analysis at all - got to get the competition in - straight to Drury, who refers to "that penalty save, Roy Of The Rovers style" which apparently saved France. We suspect a couple of incidents some time after that decided the fate of the game better, but never mind. The tournament "now deprived of England but not of players well known to the English" - got over it yet? - continues with, er, David Pleat, whose habit of opening his co-commentaries "evening all" is really starting to grate almost as much as when he starts giving facts about players, which is surely the commentator's job. Drury's soaping him up, of course, claiming Santini "has big shoes to climb into at Tottenham" as if the former manager was The Old Woman Who Lived In A Shoe. A few minutes later Drury claims Olivier Dacourt "has big boots to fill" too, so maybe the FFF just ordered a lot of oversized footwear. "They're claiming it's over the line" Drury wonders as Barthez scrambles and we get three replays, not that he seems to have an inkling either way after all those. On second thoughts Pleat might be doing it deliberately, as surely nobody would properly comment on seeing the ball made dead so treatment could be administered
"that's been a terrific thing in the competition, the way players have kicked the ball out". It's like Jimmy Hill was back. We know, of course, that Drury is something of a mark for Henry and France, but he sounds positively let down when commenting "it's not happening". As Pleat praises someone called Lizazaru, something he'll do a couple more times before the end of the game, Peter's contacts apparently tell him "they've not seen so many Greek flags being flown since the end of the occupation in 1945". And they say we pointlessly bring up the war. With time "before France can head back into the cool of the dressing room and ask 'anyone got an idea?'" Zidane gets booked and Peter gets loose - "no reputation too big for Anders Frisk - you may be the best in the world, mate, but a foul's a foul". Er, yeah. Still, aren't they doing well, the little Greeks? According to Drury they "surely don't have to apologise for their methods here... their best trick was to make it hard for them", you know, what with playing better football and having better chances. Peter brings up "Martin O'Neill when he was at Leicester" as a comparison to hand, which marks him out as the insular one. 0-0 at half time, with "just an inkling that something strange may happen", but the team find some things to praise France on, specifically that "he doesn't seem to muck it up, as they say, Henry". The over the line debate is brought up, Des reminding us that "the whole of the ball over the whole of the line - they're laughing because our good old friend Jimmy Hill used to say that all the time", Townsend asking "are you going to give us a rendition?" We don't remember Jimmy ever saying that, but never mind. We're sure Venables is making it up too when he says of a Greek potshot "they used to call it a paintbrush, he's swiping his foot under the ball". Then we get another angle of the ball/line debate, Des, Tel and Andy providing live commentary on the close-up : "I think it is there?" "No, Des, behave yourself!" "There! There! There!" "There!" "that's not..." Unfortunately you can only see the ball on widescreen TV sets, and we don't have one. Well done, ITV. "Look in the paper, as they say - it's still 0-0" Drury reminds us, mentioning possibly with half an eye on the previous day "manicured football pitches alone don't provide results" and then starting going on about the fair play league. Shortly afterwards he brings up Antonis Nikopolidis' forthcoming move from Panathanaikos to Olympiakos, claiming "you just don't do that, in the way that Sol Campbell couldn't possibly have moved from Spurs to Arsenal." He could have just referred to them as city rivals, but no, the England player had to get a pointless mention. And then look what happens "Now then! The champions are wobbling here... and Charisteas is on the edge of becoming a Greek god!" Always has to go that little bit further, doesn't he? Pleat points out the contribution by "ex-Leicester City player Zagorakis", as if that's where he learnt how to play at this level. Zagorakis was an O'Neill signing for the club, actually - shouldn't you have mentioned that at the time? "We've seen some funny results, but none would be funnier than this" is the best way Drury can describe what is unfolding before him, speculating "this is opening up for the hosts, but that's a conversation for later". Has to be brought back as soon as possible to home issues, though, as he cautions "we are 25 minutes away from saying this is Santini's last game as coach of France, so he'll be arriving at White Hart Lane on time after all". Then he really goes for it. "According to mythology the ancient Greeks had twelve great Olympian gods - these days they're saying they just field eleven at a time. I would suspect Dionysis, the god of wine, would be fairly prominent if they win tonight." Alright, stop it with the half remembered A-level course. And who are these people who say that? It's just you, Peter, isn't it? It's all falling apart, "Gallas is saying where's the marking - well, he's one of the back four too", just as it is in the British commentary box, judging by "France have inspirers... Venetidis is certainly a perspirer tonight." That can't have been an ad-lib. "Greece must remember England", however, as France press and Tsiartas is withdrawn, Peter speculating "I'd be surprised if there is rubber left in his soles". How much of a surprise is it? Well, if anyone was going to stop France, "it might have been England, it might have been Spain, it could have been Portugal or Italy... it might be Greece". And in case you can't grasp how defeat might feel, "think how it feels to be French now - think how it felt to be English last night". Yeah, cheers Peter, many of us support teams who lose games on a semi-regular basis. France continue, and eventually "HENRY!" Drury's scream is wasted as it floats wide. "That's a massive chance - you had your shirt, your trousers, your socks and your shoes on him" he nonsensically comments, adding "those go in for Arsenal" somewhat unnecessarily. Pleat, ever the unromantic, uses a stoppage in play due to Charisteas going down injured to demand the referee book him for timewasting. "He's OK, he's, he's stopped the game, and that's what the French didn't want... that was naughty too, should have played that ball into touch, he's played it to Barthez." Thank christ he's not your manager, eh? In fact he's sounded all game like the man least bothered by events going on around him. "Lizarazu! Lizarazu! It's getting away" is Drury's reaction to France's last chance, the name twice perhaps to take the piss out of Pleat, also commenting "the potential outcome is unthinkable - was unthinkable, now it's fact, and it hurts some people", over a shot of an implacable looking Santini. "This isn't a myth - can I say that" ventures Pleat, surely not needed given what his colleague's floated during the game, noting "the Greek commentators are going mad, they're standing in front of us - sit down!" Again, what a romantic. "The end! Staggering! The kings of Europe dethroned by the Greek gods!" He always has to ruin it right at the end, doesn't he? "The French don't know which way to look" he states, adding "in a year when Olympians will visit Athens and do good for sport, how uplifting that the Greek nation has this to carry back with it." That doesn't make sense, does it? Back in the studio Andy does his patented telling us what someone else's graphics are already showing us in the hope it makes him look incisive, and total comment on the game is restricted to under three minutes so they can talk about England. If you're not bothered about plausibly the biggest upset in European Championship history because Andy Townsend wants to slag off David Beckham yet again, ITV, don't bother in future.

Someone always gets there first

Bad news for anyone wanting to cast black magic spells over Urs Meier - Romanians have already tried that. His "capacity to whistle" seems to have been unaffected, however.

An appeal to a decent proportion of England fans

Next time the England squad and manager are the worst, least talented people ever ever ever and none of them should ever play for/coach the side again, let us know before the tournament begins and not after they get eliminated from a major competition, would you?

TV Review - Thursday 24th June - England v Portugal

"Same time, same place, same team - same result would be nice." Nice intro line. "Sven has brought back his diamond - don't worry, not his formation, his geezer." Much less pleasing, Gary. In the studio are Alan, who advises the players "don't come off the pitch disappointed", Ian, who reckons England are "more favourites", and Peter, who as usual says nothing of note. Ledley King's out, Gary casting around for favourable comparisons and settling on Will Greenwood before hoping Owen scores as "we've run out of puns for Wayne Rooney". You never run out of that kind of thing, Gary. Motson senses deja vu, even to the point of questioning "you're in the same seats at home", and cites the various match-ups as "friends reunited, really". "No jokes, please, about turnips or tomatoes" he pleads, while Joe Royle talks up "the artistry of Deco". There are "nervous moments while the players get to know each other again", but not too many - "It's come off the defender - Owen has scored!" "Owen has paid back big time!" is Motson's meaningful if illogical appraisal. He appears to spend much of the half, not without reason, nervous about Portuguese attacks, referring at one point to "Neno... Nuno Gomes", but the defence just about holds firm, aided by "Neville, who's often the shop steward, is playing the shop keeper". Portugal nearly get a shot in while Motty is busy telling us Maniche's real name, but at least this proves John's done his background work, which you'd expect from him, but "Deco, who we hear will not now be going to Chelsea" is left without explanation. Royle reckons "their best player tonight has been Maniche, especially his long range shooting - he's got one goal already...", which may confuse latecomers seeing the 'POR 0 ENG 1' graphic. "An...An... Ashley Cole" is involved in "the Arsena-Man Utd debate" as he takes on Ronaldo, and for once is successful. "He really has got them up for this tournament, Eriksson" is Motty's rash overview, still sounding concerned as he misses a Costinha header over telling us about the last meeting between the sides. Still, "there are centre halves, and there are giants, and there's Sol Campbell". Er, yeah. Then, Rooney has a free kick given against him for being shadowed, or something. "I think his boot came off here, Joe!" "I don't think that's an offence" Royle replies, but there's problems. "A nation will hold its breath here, I think" Motty frets, but not as much as when the director cuts to a replay of the goal rather than watch Wayne get treatment, admitting "we hope to be able to show you that in pictures shortly". "David James is scrambling!" Joe advises "we should take our time", which at times seems to be the problem. John's more concerned watching Rooney at seemingly every opportunity, and a slo-mo from the BBC's own camera gets prior commentary - "I think it's an ankle, Joe" is the somewhat obvious conclusion. Motty appears particularly rattled by free kicks just outside the box, almost crying "there's nobody on the post". Joe has the Owen first goal odds to hand, but Motty's not concerned about that - "Rooney disappeared straight down the tunnel and he hasn't re-emerged". When news comes he apologises "sorry to interrupt myself, but I've got some news... he's gone off for an X-ray on an injured ankle". Cheers for that. Royle's more worried about the refereeing, and indeed being able to read David Beckham's mind, as apparently at one point after a Portuguese foul he's "asking what's the difference, why is there no yellow card Mr Meier?" And still the panic : "Figo is in the sort of position Zidane was in... there's nobody on the post", virtually right up to when the Figo shot bounces behind the goal. At half time he considers "the removal of Rooney" "more significant" than the goal, which is certainly an interesting reading of the scoreline. At half time something akin to despondency sets in, Reid claiming "they're controlling the middle park" and referring to one 'Concertina' yet somehow not noticing on the Rooney replay "his boot's off". There's cameras on crowds at Glastonbury and in the Eastenders bar, for whatever reason, but nobody's quite that lively outside. At one replay showing John Terry being caught too deep Hansen starts to turn into your dad shouting at the television : "Get out! GET OUT!" "Let's just remind ourselves at this stage that England are winning" Gary is forced to comment before throwing back to the commentators, Motson now determining the injury merely "the other significant moment". Does 'Big Phil Scolari' have to be referred to in commentaries by his full name by law? "If you're watching at home you're feeling a little uneasy at the moment, and so are we", and it shows. Royle is less than convinced by Phil Neville's arrival but seems to think he'll solidify the midfield. It works about as well as previously as "Portuguese poise has replaced English energy". Royle tempts fate by suggesting they "don't look particularly potent", Motty suggesting "what they are is persistent". As the England fans introduce the Portuguese to "shall we sing a song for you?", Motson reckons "Weary without Wayne is how I would sum England up at the moment". Leave it now, John, it's all conjecture. Royle pinpoints Luis Figo, for some reason, as the main threat, as he "might not be the player he was in other years, but he's pulling the strings". Which other years are these? Perhaps to make up for missing the injury that rocked a commentary position earlier there's a long close-up on Vassell on all fours for a short time after being tackled. "Have England got the mettle now to retain their lead?" You'd think so, what with "a displeased Figo went down the tunnel without stopping" after being replaced with Spurs' Helder Postiga and with Sol Campbell being "our own version of Robocop". His talents really don't end, by the sounds of it. Still they press, still they hold back. "They're going to be tortuous minutes, I fear" is the worried expression when the clock strikes 81, but on the bright side "if it stays like this, they go out of their own tournament". But... an equaliser. "This doesn't look good for England" Motty somewhat redundantly comments, while Royle's still off on his own agenda what with "Mr Meier realising he can book the boys in red as well as those in white". "How much of this goes back to the Rooney injury is something to be debated" - shut up, John! The chances of finishing before extra time don't look great as "Ricardo's just touched the ball for the first time in about 35 minutes", but then... "It's off the bar... and in - and it's not going to count... and Portugal are attacking! It's a repeat of Hodgargeltina!" Our sentiments entirely, John. "An incident there that will keep us talking for about three days" he overaccurately predicts, and while Royle initially blames John Terry, on the second replay he "can't see too much wrong with that at all". "I think Urs Meier said there was a push" is Motson's surprised reaction on seeing the referee indicate as such, and whatever else may or may not have happened to disallow the goal the only pushing going on was Campbell on Terry. Controversy! "I think we'll have a rest up here and leave it to Gary" John eventually withdraws. And hardly before time.

Back in the box Ian drops all pretence of even-handedness to declare "this referee's a homer", while Alan suggests they "don't feel sorry for yourselves". "It could be a silver goal, it could be penalties" Gary finishes, with no great positive emotion. Royle hopes "we are angry, I hope we are aggreived", but it doesn't look it. Motson chooses this moment to mention "I thought the refereeing would be influential in the second half in some strange way". He sounds about as drained as David Beckham, declaring at one stage "I really can't see any value in that kick from James" and trying to leaven the situation with nearly black humour, suggesting"the grocer from Zurich didn't balance the scales very fairly to England", which gets a "well done, John" from Joe. A cutaway reveals Sven giving instructions, Motty asking Joe what he might be saying and getting a very helpful "I don't understand Swedish" as response. The dark lining of the cloud of being level continues as John chooses to mention Ricardo "has a flamboyant reputation in the Portuguese league for saving penalties". Royle's summation is that "we've not been playing well but our blocking, our determination, our spirit's been fantastic", commenting also that having worked so hard "Ronaldo's not going to need a pre-season when he gets home". Paranoia seems to be setting in - "the referee has given a free kick in the last minute of... oh no, it's a throw." Royle seems to have forgotten that he's broadcasting to the nation, declaring again "we have definitely been cheated" over another showing of Campbell's moment cut short as Motson helpfully reminds us "there will not be a silver goal". Still there's "Scowling Phil Solari and serene Sven". "Whatever you were going to do after the match has been delayed" he reminds us, again acting as if he too were at home - "if England would just make a chance for Owen..." Instead we get "a blast from the past", Joe wondering "Where did that come from?" "Scolari's not scowling now" Motty helpfully adds, suggesting "we could all do with a drink, Sven" at a shot of the coach with a water bottle directly before Lampard makes it "a game that will be talked about for as long as the championship is played". "An extraordinary sequence of events" over, it's The Dreaded Penalty Shoot-Out, Gary dredging up some enthusiasm even though "first of all we've got to call for the paramedics", said to a soundtrack of Wright coughing profusely. The pundits then embark on a game of penalty taker guessing, wisely cut short just as Ian gets down to the Nevilles. Beckham takes the first and "put it miles over the bar... he's sliced it, Joe". Three later "there's really nothing much to say between these penalties, all the drama is in front of you", which makes you wonder what he's being paid for. The spot appears to be coming in for a lot of blame, given it appears to be built on the burnt parts of a field, Royle suggesting "they're all doing a bit of gardening round the penalty spot". Rui Costa throws England a lifeline as "oh, it's gone over as well", Joe still working the "there's definitely something gone wrong with the penalty spot there" angle. In fact, "this penalty spot is at the heart of everything that's going on here", which in a shoot-out is a fairly obvious thing to say, Ronaldo choosing to jump double-footed on it, which is "one way of dealing with it, I suppose". Motson is almost speechless in a way we've never heard him before - "it's breathtaking, it's theatre, it's so, so important. Heart-stopping stuff." The ugly truth dawns that "we're going to have to have a sixth kicker for each side", and after Ashley Cole surprises Motty - "oh, he rolled it in!" - "one or two of the Portuguese looked at each other - they weren't sure who was going to take the next one". It was Postiga, whose poor impression of Panenka still worked, Motson's note of caution being "they wouldn't have been so happy, Portugal, had it hit the post and stayed out". Unlikely, you'd have to say, as it went down the middle. "This must be gripping the nation, never mind Eusebio" is John's somewhat syntax-free reaction to a cutaway of the legend... and then Vassell goes and misses. "He's scuffed the ball - it's that penalty spot" is Royle's inevitable reaction before Portugal just take the piss. "And the goalkeeper could be taking it! He's going to take the penalty that could put England out... and he has!" "Almost speechless - Joe Royle, what can you say?" "We'll be talking about that disallowed goal forever and a day" is his reply, which is an improvement on Motson's three days. Lineker sounds positively inconsolable, throwing to the highlights with "it's largely irrelevant now" and the misses with "you're going to see this a few times over the next few years". Again Rooney's departure is held up as "the decisive moment of the game" and even the technicians seem drained of vitality and work skills, fading Steven Gerrard's voice up over a Erikssson on-camera interview. "England are going home after a penalty shoot-out and a mare of a decision from the referee" is Lineker's final words. Not hugely pithy, but it's been that kind of night.

TV Review - Wednesday 23rd June - Germany v Czech Republic

"Tonight it could be bye-bye Germany..." - or Holland, Des, but clearly they couldn't find any stereotypical Dutch fans to amateurishly read "forget Latvia, but we love your referee" and "we always get to the final". "There's hardly any names we recognise in there" is Des' view of the Czech side, but Terry's sticking to his line that "we want Holland to go through - more attractive". After Italy's elimination last night, best not push your luck for more of that. The crew sent to capture the atmosphere find some singing Germans, who in a marvellously incongruous yet at once ITV-like, and indeed destined for montages for the rest of the tournament, moment stop to tell those at home "we love your Rooney!" Des appears in the adverts voicing over the Lipton advert, which is against advertising standards regulations. Refusing to write off the Germans, Jon Champion nevertheless spots something - "Germany need to win the game, but one striker? What are they playing at?" Jon and Jim are in a laid-back mood considering, hailing "the best tackle on a match official we've seen so far this tournament", although Jon's "as they'd say in American football, second down and 8" is a step too far. Just as Champion finds time to ponder offside decisions, wondering "there's supposed to be daylight between players, isn't there, these days", Ballack strikes and Jon finds an extra couple of G's - "whaggagoal!" Meanwhile Holland have scored, and "we'll show you the incident in a few minutes... in fact, here it is". Director/commentator communication jumpy? The Czechs get a free kick, which "suits a left-footer, this", like, say, Heinz - "Oh, I say! Who needs Nedved?" The Germans are abject, meaning "Nowotny is again the most advanced player - am I missing something?" On their showing thus far Jim reckons they "don't deserve to progress - there isn't enough", whereas Heinz is such a commanding presence "he didn't get sick before he hit the ball", unswayed by Jon's reminder "that was the penalty, not the free kick". "Germany are in deep trouble" is his summary, Des pointing out they're "being held by the Czech... well, Czech reserves really". It's left to Tel to reach for the "57 varieties" line, but at least he's being entertained, responding to Des' chiding "you're delighted, aren't you?" with "I've got that orange look!" We'll do the knowing punchlines, thanks. This performance, of course, is against pretty much a reserve Czech side, hence when Vratislav Lokvenc injured himself Jon commenting "they might have to bring on Jan Koller!" Baros, actually, but the point remains. We get the tournament's first non-requirement of a lip reader, as Jon comments of a German "he knows how to swear in English", Jim almost resignedly replying "most of them do". It looks like Germany are to fall foul of "the group of you know what", and Champers can't contain himself when "Baros could finish the Germans here... auf weidersehen!" Now we can write off the Germans. "Maybe the disguise wasn't a disguise" Champers ponders of the famed German ability to come good after all, although calling their betters "bouncing Czechs" doesn't help his populist cause. He then ponders what Bild and the like will make of it all, referring to the sausage comparisons made after their Romanian 5-1 defeat and speculating "I'm sure they'll be frying those sausages tomorrow". "Some partisan supporters back home may consider this fantasy football" he cautions on what he calls "a seminal night for German football", and certainly the team are playing like reproductive seeds. "How the mighty are falling!" is the best he can come up with on the final whistle, followed by the idea that "the English sing about it, the Germans usually do it, but there'll be no great escape", remembering what audience will be cheering at that time. Back in the studio Robbie suggests "we should feel sorry for them, but we don't" and labels Baros "the Darius Vassell of Czech football", in case you couldn't grasp the concept of a player who seems to play better for his country than for his club. The talk of tomorrow is left until last, and no wonder when Des wonders aloud "Rooney and Ronaldo - sounds like a singing team, doesn't it?" No it doesn't. He ends with an appalling Sven impression for the second night in a row, just to put the dampener on what for a lot will be a great night. And on to the knock-out stages we go...

TV Review - Tuesday 22nd June - Italy v Bulgaria

"Henmania? Forget it - it's Wayne-mania now!" So to the well thumbed clips from previous games re-edited, soundtracked by the Libertines' Time For Heroes, a smart choice if the title actually appeared in the lyrics. There's no point in them starting with two minutes of this, but that's ITV for you. "Trust me, it's complicated" is Des' overview of the group situation, even though everybody knows about 2-2 and all that, before he speculates whether they could "join Spain on the plane... home". Some plane journey that would be. "48 hours until the feast day of St George and St Wayne" are Drury's opening words, betraying where ITV's real thoughts lie. It's apparently "an evening with the potential to become mighty complex" - goal difference involved, you see? It must be impossible to the untrained mind! - as Italy start to "trample on the group doormats". "If you're getting indifferent weather at home", Drury reassures us that the weather there is "reminiscent of those foggy, misty nights in Turin", which sounds a little too much like a failed holiday. "We're talking Hartlepool on a Friday night here" is probably just a particularly memorable for the wrong reasons work placement. "Petrov's devillish ball in" is unrewarded, Italy not looking convincing, which Pleat puts down to "when they had the national anthem there seemed a little nervousness". David takes three attempts to pronounce a Bulgarian's name, which is about par for the course, but he and his team-mates are doing well, Drury reckoning "Trapattoni not enjoying the rain against his window". Well, nearly the lyric. "The first Italian whistle of an evening that will become increasingly irascible" ensues even before the penalty, Pleat damning "my first reaction is Berbatov's bought that penalty", then on replay changing his mind to "he's obviously given it for holding". "The easy meats have bitten back - Italy are quaking in a quiet corner" breaks all sort of records for least explicable Drury commentary, and that's some feat. "Italy have something Alpine to climb here", and it's not helped by their performance, which Terry and Andy gleefully lay into, Venables reckoning "there ought to be a steward's inquiry into this team". "Not only do they need to win this match, they're currently losing it" is Des' at least accurate assessment, Pleat putting it down to having nobody to "show any jiggery-pokery". But they do get a scrappy equaliser, meaning "Italy are halfway back up their mountain" - an Alpine one, of course. Drury's still assuring us only the finest brains in production can work out the group situation, assuring us "we are one goal at either venue away from life becoming a little more difficult". Gianluca Zambrotta's getting the work in, though, Pleat marvelling "I don't know what pills he's on, but you should get some". Zambrotta of course plays for Juventus, of Creatine scandal fame. Italy still need three points, in any case, "having to throw all their natural instincts away" as "2-1, 3-2, 4-3... any win will do". Ah, that sort of win. "Think there's a mathematician on the Italian bench tonight, Peter?" David hardly helps. Drury predicts a lot of injury time to add to the pain, suggesting "you've got no plans for last orders at the local", apparently anticipating an hour and a half's worth of injury time. "There aren't too many jokes for the jesters" thus far, though, as Vieri's off target again - "Why won't one fly in? Answer my prayers! He's getting no assistance from above, the big man." Big man Vieri or big man God? "I wouldn't be surprised if Bulgaria go and do something silly like snatch a goal" Pleat warns, as if scoring is the stupidest thing anyone can do in football. "You very rarely, if ever, see an Italian side playing like this" Drury admires as Italy stream forward, but "'Vieri can't get there' is becoming the phrase of the tournament for those that follow Italy". See, Italy is "a nation that expects demands", as Mafia kidnappers will appreciate. Oh look, it's 2-2 in the Scandinavian derby, and Drury accordingly invokes Machiavelli. "Goal Cassano! Goal Cassano!" An interesting approach to commentary in the circumstances, especially with a cutaway to celebrating Danish fans, about which Drury comments "what a love-in that will be". Pleat starts stuttering - "2-2... 2-2... two 2-2 draws..." - while Drury right until the end sounds completely flabbergasted, almost as if he had money on Italy to win the tournament. Not that we'd suggest he had, it just sounds like it. "Did you really believe Denmark and Sweden would come up with the very result that would send Italy out?" he underestimates the international brotherhood of conspiracy theorists. "I'm sorry they've gone out - I like Italian food" is Des' helpful contribution to a debate Tyldesley in Porto assures us has little grounding, before a confused England camp discussion ends with Venables referring to different levels of achievable "bonk", to which Des replies "there's bonk and bonk, isn't there?", the offscreen crew audibly pissing themselves as much as the onscreen talent. Perhaps taking their eye off the ball leads to a complete technical breakdown at the end, but it looked like being an England montage anyway. Well, nothing much happened tonight, did it?

TV Review - Monday 21st June - England v Croatia

"You'd think we'd be used to it by now" is Gary's not hugely comforting words on revealing this is the seventh major tournament in a row in which England have required something from their last group game. Already out by then in 1988, were we? And then he introduces clips of England's rubbishness in this competition, which hardly helps. "I can see you all diving for the remote" is his comment after mentioning France-Switzerland is on Interactive, which is hardly a filip to French/Swiss viewers, or Steve Claridge fans. "I'm slightly surprised you've got a Croatia shirt on" is his wry aside on Ian's red and white check shirt, sandwiched between Peter Reid and Alan, who dubs Croatia "big, strong and average". "We're all going for... Croatia?" is Gary's final shot, Ian either stonewalling him or too concentrated on the game when commenting "it's not even funny". Motty nods to "all those in the pub, especially mine" before bringing up a 10-0 victory in 1946 as some sort of omen. "Stop shaking, Joe Royle!" is his humorous aside before declaring ref Collina "has been in charge of so many great England performances" without actually specifying any. Not that this gets off to a great start, Motson seemingly blaming Ashley Cole for the goal. As will the whole country tomorrow, but never mind. For all the kittens he's having whenever Scholes is near the ball near the box, being "there to miss it" in the classic euphemism, it's not helping, and neither for BBC purposes is the cutaway of Bobby Robson commentating which goes unremarked upon. "Cole was the only England player left back... and he is the left back" is unnecessary, but in a different way to "Eriksson adjusting his spectacles... his glasses". "There's some anxiety, no doubt, at home" he declares, somewhat obviously, but reassuring us with "they're not getting out of their own half, the Croatians", just after James had had to claim a 50:50 ball. Joe Royle states the even more obvious, "we don't need to go two behind at this stage of the game". "Owen's lost possession - well, he didn't really gain it, in a funny way" about sums up the confusion inherent in England's increasingly untidy build-up play, and indeed untidy goal. Not that that matters hugely as Motty shreds his throat and ends that bloody factoid dredged up so many times a game. They're still trying, Royle cataloguing Beckham's fate as "several blocks, a couple of chips, twisted ankle". "ROONEY! Is there nothing he can't do?" Fly unaided, probably, although kudos for probably the longest range goal of the tournament so far. See, not everybody's having trouble with the ball. "I wouldn't be surprised if he got a hat-trick tonight" is Royle's somewhat premature judgement, Alan picking up the hype baton by reckoning his cushioned header back to Scholes was "one of the finest headers I've ever seen". "They've not done this again, have they?" is Gary's reaction at a studio cutaway, Ian screaming and Alan applauding because, he explains, "I was happy for Ian Wright. I'm happy when Ian Wright's happy." Why do they appear not to be watching through the window to the actual pitch? Reid contents himself with wondering how to pronounce Prso. "Remember this name - Johann Vonlanthen!" screams Steve Wilson at Switzerland-France, rather too obviously betraying his sources. "If you were neutral, German TV or something, you'd look at this and think 'English aren't bad, are they?'" ponders Gary, while Motty has wider issues - "As an Evertonian, Joe, can Everton keep him now?" Surely some warning should have been made in advance for that question. Joe refers to the Croatian keeper's "chocolate wrists", which Motty ponders "that's not an expression I've heard too often". Perhaps it goes with Joaquin's "chocolate foot" Mick McCarthy diagnosed last Wednesday. "It would take a massive turnaround for this to go against England" Royle tempts fate, but as Motty says "don't let's get overexcited". Bit late now, surely? Rooney scores the third, Motty reckoning "he might even grab the headlines away from Tim Henman this week", and gets rested, the director on a big close-up of Scholes seemingly investigating his nose when the board goes up, although Motty doesn't miss it - "the noise from the England fans is enormous - even the substitute's applauding". Royle reckons tomorrow's headlines will be "full of R's and O's", which would be something of a misprint. Then a spanner in the works, which takes Motty by surprise, going "oh! It's gone in!" and seeming to take ages to notice no defender was near Tudor. A Chelsea deputation is spotted, which makes Motty wonder "Are they poised to make a bid for Gerrard and Rooney?" Well, they could equally be watching a game while they're out there, checking on Terry and Lampard. They're in luck with the latter, his goal greeted by a Lampard Senior close-up and a shot of a tailor's dummy with the Queen's effigy head stuck on the top and an England shirt on. We don't see the relevance either. Motty gets to feel slightly smug when Collina gives a decision on a foul on James and he confirms he "told you he was a lucky referee for England", then practices his counting - "one more goal and England will equal the five in Munich". Never to be forgotten, that. To a backdrop of imagined "jubliation in a lot of homes and a lot of public places" and a triumphant "France have scored three, England have scored four!" England "fire a four goal salvo" as "Rooney runs riot". He used to be a print sports journalist, you know. Ian declares Rooney "needs an asbestos kit" as he's "on fire", which is surely the last thing a man ablaze needs, and declares his second a "phoom finish". "I think they're big, strong and useless" is Alan's new view of the Croats. Nearly all Garth's questions start "a word about..." Wright's still pumped up, going so far in his Wayne love he even speculates "he looks great in the kit, doesn't he?" and admits "I wish I were amongst them" after very ITV-esque shots of fans in Birmingham, Manchester and, um, Basra. "Can we make toast of the host?" is Gary's weak final effort, but we doubt he bothered thinking about it too much.

Interactive TV Review - Sunday 20th June - Greece v Russia

(courtesy Adam Keyte)

After five fascinating pre-match minutes listening to Steve Wilson read the Greek team sheet to himself and talk to his director, the Anthems begin and we're underway. "And here's an opportunity, and Russia lead! Inside the first 70 seconds of the game! And it's Gusev with the goal! It's the fastest ever scored in European Championship finals football! And Greece - looking to reach the quarter-finals by avoiding defeat - are behind already!" And Steve needs to stop using a conjunction at the start of his sentences! "And a free header! And another goal! Bulykin! And the Russians lead by two! And Greece are crumbling here on their big night!" Aaargh! Someone buy that man a Good Grammar Guide! "The way it's looking at the moment, Greece are playing to lose the game" says the previously-unnoteworthy Mark Bright, inciting Russian Mafiosos everywhere. "And a great chance - oh, and he's missed it." Kariaka misses a fairly easy chance to make it 3-0, whilst the Greeks go down the other end and Charisteas misses an even easier one. Let's hope Clive Tyldesley isn't here doing the ITV commentary, as the stadium is "full of English flags from every town and shire" again. "And the Russians smell blood here - Bulykin... It's another free header! You cannot believe it!" It grazes off the outside of the post, incidentally. "If Portugal take the lead against Spain, Greece won't be in the next stage." What, so the other game is first goal wins, is it Steve? "And Gusev has won it! Shouldn't have done, but he has!" Shame he does a feeble attempted cross after collecting a long ball so well, really. "Every single thing that could go wrong for Greece is going wrong," says Steve, sweepingly, 10 minutes before half-time. If that were true, surely they'd need to have one of their defenders take a football in the unmentionables, perhaps in a comedy free-kick-comes-back-off-the-crossbar-after-he'd-turned-the-other-way-whilst -stood-in-the-wall style like that old Carling Black Label advert? No? Just me then. "Vryzas! Excellent goal, and exactly what Greece needed!" "He's played onside by...someone in the middle," observes Mark. The ball flies up into the air after a crunching tackle just before half-time. "Don't think in the Algarve it would have come down with snow on it, but it was high!" jokes Steve.

"The matches must start their second halves simultaneously," explains Steve, as the second half kicks-off a good twenty seconds before Spain and Portugal. "Vryzas... Tsiartas... Vryzas... Tsiartas... almost squeezes it through to Vryzas!" Perhaps the most repetitive piece of commentary since Barry Davies sang Dolly Parton at the Sweden v England game in Euro '92 ("Brolin... Brolin... Dahlin... roliiiiiiiin!") "Nuno Gomes has scored for Portugal, they lead Spain by a goal to nil!" "Good news travels fast, doesn't it?" notes Mark. "There was a roar inside the stadium by the Portuguese contingent!" Was there? Someone needs to fix the effects microphones then, because it's been a really flat atmosphere throughout on TV.
Mark is amused by the on-screen caption after Alenichev is booked, informing us he will miss the next game. "Which won't be in this tournament..." agrees Steve. "It'll be a World Cup qualifier, I presume!" deduces Mark. "Never really tore up too many trees at Burnley, but he's had a good season at Panathinaikos," is Steve's considered opinion on the departing Papadopoulos as Nikolaidis comes on for the last 20 minutes. "I've just got the feeling they're looking for another goal, Russia." Really, Mark? "Any interpretation of the offside rule, tweak it how you like - he was offside!" Steve relishes in calling a NIoO-proof decision as Nikolaidis tries to collect the ball whilst standing about half a mile beyond the last Russian defender. About five minutes later, the same player leaves our
commentary team incredulous by beating the offside trap perfectly and
leaving the Russian defence for dead, but luckily for them the keeper comes out to save. "A Russian goal would knock Greece out; a Spanish goal would knock Portugal out." Steve savours the possibilities with ten minutes left. "Corner's much too deep," comments Steve as Tsiartas kicks the set-piece all the way across the pitch and out for a Russian throw-in. "It [chuckles] wasn't even close, was it?" sniggers Mark.
"I've just got the feeling Russia are hanging on a little bit too much for this 2-1 lead." Steve contradicts Mark's earlier feeling.
"What a cross, what a chance - oh, I say! That would have put Greece out!" Kirichenko miskicks a great sliding ball across goal with a couple of minutes to go. "My money is still in my pocket!" declares Steve on 89:15. Not a gambler, then? "And Greece are into the quarter-finals of the European Championship! It is their finest hour! And they have done it by a hair's breadth!"

TV Review - Sunday 20th June - Spain v Portugal

(Just to note that in the comments boxes Adam Keyte is supplying back-up reviews of other sources - 5 Live's coverage of England-Switzerland, the Claridgeonia of BBC Analysis on Holland-Czech and Eurosport's commentary on France-Croatia)

A game that, as Gary says, "was supposed to be about who would top the group, not who was going out", and there's a lot of pre-match tension in the air, Peter Schmeichel reckoning "the game will be decided on which personality player will beat people", such as starter Cristiano Ronaldo, who is the subject of a question to Gordon Strachan where he goes on about Beckham instead. "On a normal day Spain against Portugal is a big game. This is not a normal day" is Gary's excellent summation before handing to Barry and Lawro. There's a classic Davies expulsion when the Portuguese defence let an early cross they should have dealt with through, met by "goodness me!" Otherwise it's "a really staccato start" marked by uneven refereeing, one decision called by Lawro "good refereeing from Mr Frisk, just after you'd savaged him", to which Baz splutters "savaged is a bit strong - I said it was unusual!" Still, he's giving himself a "good opportunity to warm up both whistles", something he'd spotted at the kick-off, and deploring "another one looking for a free kick. And he's got it." Lawro's on language mangling form, reckoning Raul Bravo was "playing more like Juliet Bravo at the moment" against Ronaldo, who was "having a birthday down that side" meaning "they'll have to check Raul Bravo out at half time for twisted blood". Mmm. There's a classically confusing set of qualification permutations, which "will be explained if necessary. By Gary Lineker." "It's nervy, edgy, cautious - a bit like Alan Hansen on the dancefloor" quips Gary, who runs with the idea when he comments Ronaldo "would quite impress Brucie on Strictly Come Dancing". The corporation man there. "Stick with us, as it's going to get better" is his declaration, and it technically does. "Nuno Gomeshhhhh... it's all changed now!" "What a substitution!" is Lawro's one-liner, having spent the previous few minutes criticising it. Spain try and try - "it's on the roof, on the crossbar and away" - while Lawro's still ploughing an authority furrow - "if you make contact against a player now, Barry, you get a foul given against you". Raul Bravo is required to make a last ditch injury time clearance, notable mostly for Barry calling him "Real Bravo". "They need a goal from somewhere... and they're not going to get it!" Greece may have lost to Russia, whose first goal, according to Mark Bright, was fortunate as Kirichenko "has to stretch as he hasn't got any more legs to get there", but not by enough goals or whatever it was, and "it could be a noisy night in Lisbon - I'm not sure we'll get any sleep". "Portugal reign over Spain - they're on the plane" are the final words, although surely a coach would do.

Hissy fit update

Christian Vieri slags off the Italian press, which will really help his standing given his performances so far, while Luiz Felipe Scolari refuses to talk to the Spanish press and then gives them the headline quotes anyway - nice to see he's keeping things in perspective - and then compares his side to an 'ugly girlfriend' like a Brazilian Ian Holloway.

TV Review - Saturday 19th June - Czech Republic v Holland

The stadium is "covered by a huge orange blanket" now, and the pundits seem keen on this game, proved initially right by Holland's goal after what Motty times at "three minutes... and a bit". And then.. New Interpretation Of Offside A Go Go! "I remember when that debate started in the 1994 World Cup" Motty observes, which is about nine years earlier than anyone else remembers it. Perhaps, however, this is what he means when he later comments there are "very clever players on the pitch", although after that what business he has complaining about a later late offside flag is something no-one can pin down. At half time Gary reveals "Mr Wright has not been that excited about the tournament so far", but that attitude hasn't lasted long, especially when a player being wrestled to to the ground inside the box, which Gary called WWF-style, only for Wright to more accurately describe it as "he's having it off with him", and as soon as everyone else has recovered concluding "he's spooning him!" It took some time for Alan and Peter to regain their ability to speak. An England interlude sees Garth Crooks on the hull of a yacht referring to the "skipper", because he's Garth Crooks. After "the referee strolling out with the match ball" the action immediately gets back to its previous pace, not that Joe Royle's noticed, as he's been watching Van Nistelrooy, commenting "he's been offside for most of the time since the second half started" at about 46:45. The camera then swings round to follow a Dutch attack building up, and there's Ruud ball-side of the centre backs. "We're going to see a lot more dodgy defending and more goal chances" is Royle's hope, while Motson goes on about Chelsea and how the Czechs eventually earn "their first booking of the tournament" like anyone really cares. Royle points out Poborsky as we "might not recognise him with the modern haircut", something that couldn't be said of Pierluigi Collina, fourth official tonight and namechecked far more than fourth officials are usually, John stating "when you look him in the face you do wince a bit". Yeah, he's like death, really, isn't he? The Czechs score their second set up by Jan Koller, which makes Joe happy as "I knew I was right when I tried to buy him for Man City". Heinz comes on, Motty careful to note that you don't pronounce his name that way, but when Royle suggests "dare I say Heinz has given them more variety?" he can't help himself but to reply "yes, you can say that. You'd think he'd have 57 on his back, really." Mmm. Shame he's not more decisive with second bookings - "Cocu for a yellow card? It's Heitinga, I think" "He's off" "Oh! It...it's the red card, cos he's had a yellow already." The game is hugely exciting Motson, who nearly loses it at the winner, Royle remaining steadfast claiming "you have to feel sorry for van der Sar" as all around, and sitting next to him for that matter, are losing it. The madness continues - "oh yes, oh no!" as van der Vaart misses, Royle feeling it necessary to point out he's "clearly not offside" when nothing about the move suggested he was. Great game, though, although there is a suspicion everyone is being a little too quick to sing its praises, Gary suggesting it's one of the best games he's ever seen, Alan hailing its "perfection" and Peter dreaming "I hope this is going to come out as an educational video". Unfortunately, they then see fit to break into a set of analysis that could have filled the evening by itself to show a clip from a UEFA referee instructional video, which seems suspiciously like they've had it readily edited for broadcast quality for such an eventuality. Everyone just loses their cool composure in the post-match analysis, from Gary's quip that Karl Bruckner is "the only coach in the tournament old enough to remember Alan Hansen play" to how all the voicing over of the near misses seems to consist entirely of the phrase "what about this?" Gary slips in another "van der Fart - I love saying that", but loses points with a final declaration of "Czech mate", which as the OB fades away we can hear Ian chastising him for. It's that sort of night.

TV Review - Saturday 19th June - Germany v Latvia

"I think we're going to have some fun" is Des' non-committal preview in a sentence, after the usual 'you never know what could happen'-themed intro and a set of self-indulgent laughter between Des, Tel and Ally. Well, you expect that. Similarly, "how difficult are those names to pronounce?", Ally perhaps satirically pondering "that's why Clive's on 100 grand a week, he's the best in the business at pronouncing those". This is a worldview where Kevin Kuranyi is "the Panamanian, Brazilian, something else". "Some nice scenery here today" Des reckons over pictures of attractive female fans, before repeating "we're in for some fun, I think". Don't count on that as a given just yet, whatever you do. Somewhat ridiculously, Des reckons a Latvian win would "put the cat among those things that live on Trafalgar Square". Is he trying to be poetic at this late stage? "However hot it is for Des and the boys in the studio, it's quite cool out here" Clive reassures us, the 5pm heat being a regular feature of the tournament so far - no more of that after today, of course. To be honest we did drift off at one point during the first half, so we cannot confirm if Tyldesley really did make reference to chatting with Gordon Strachan as we thought we heard, but we definitely heard Andy reckon of Igor Stepanovs' free transfer from Arsenal "I think Arsene Wenger's got it wrong for once". Oh, we think he'll manage without him, just about. His team are "making Germany look equally limited", not that Clive appears to be bothered, going on about the Steven Gerrard stories "in your paper tomorrow" - how does he know? - and calling ITV's rotten interactive service 'a new way of watching football'. What's the actually useful BBC Interactive service or indeed Sky Active, then? Another old favourite turns up when Clive reckons Michael Ballack reminds him of, yes, Wayne Rooney, as "the ball is a friend to him". He's worked up to this so much that a couple of minutes later he tells exactly the same story about Astafjevs at Bristol Rovers in the same way as he did during Latvia-Czech Republic. Andy delights himself with "good ping from Frings" but it's to no avail as Clive ponders "I don't think they have a word in Latvia for lost cause". "Germany is not a nation of fingernails at the moment" is spectacularly obtuse, "Klose... it was not even close" just dreadful. Odd moment of language conjugation in injury time as Verpakovskis is subbed and Clive opines "I hate to coin my phrase, but do remember his name". Of course this is a reference to "remember the name, Wayne Rooney!" the season before last, alluded to on Thursday as now "all of Europe will remember the name". If he calls his autobiography Remember My Name, we will not be responsible for our actions. Still, "National pride for Latvia, national embarrassment for Germany" about sums it up, bar Ally and Tel exploding at Mike Riley turning down two decent Latvian penalty shouts, their shouting echoing off the studio walls - would they do that for a non-English manager?

TV Review - Friday 18th June - Italy v Sweden

It's ITV. It starts with England, which gives the lie to Des' opening point to Sir Bobby, "we're looking forward to this game almost more than all the others", Robson going on to praise how Ibrahimovic can "play football". Always helpful, you feel. "Italy have yet to win" announces Jon Champion, like they've played eight games. Memories of Ivan Zamorano in 1998 are brought up by the mike catching Rino Gattuso belting out the Italian anthem. "With apologies to Francesco Totti, this promises to be a rare old spat" - thinks he's clever now, does he?
"I always feel sorry for Italian centre backs, the way they're so bullied, Jim" after Beglin had referred to their instruction to keep it tight would suggest so, his reaction to the goal - "the brightest young thing in the firmament of Italian football lights the flame under their challenge" - even more so. Do we think he really came up with that off his own back? We fear so. "I told you you'd see some class tonight, and you are" is Des' less than reassuring verdict, as it's been the sort of night Barry and co were complaining about the one-sidedness of the previous night. At half time we get Brian Kilcline dressed as a carrot in a Fantasy Football trailer, which under the circumstances seems right. Jon's still trying it on - "Zambrotta getting foward - like that old international who played for Liverpool at right back, remember him?" Francesco Totti appears to be getting a lot of cutaways sitting alongside his lovely female partner (ah, that'll be it) as a "galaxy" of Swedish attacks come to nought until... "OH, IT'S CREPT IN!" OK, Jon, the mike's right in front of you. "That could earn Sweden a place in the quarter-finals, and that could earn Ibrahimovic a lucrative move to Italy!" Yeah, as long as he knows what's important. Great goal, though, and one Jon oddly doesn't notice the provenance of until the replay - how does he think it went in with Ibrahimovic and Buffon face to face, then? "I'm thinking of France-England again" says Jim with five minutes left. "Do stay with us for our version of Fantasy Football" Jon illogically trails, before commenting of Italy "they're like a nasty bit of mud on your shoe that you can't shake off. It was mud, wasn't it?" "It was dog dirt" Jim corrects, ruining the gag, such as it was. There's lots of shouting off-camera while an unnamed, unrecognisable man tries to interview Henrik Larsson, Bobby criticises Ibrahimovic's "head work", and as a no doubt pleasing to many final clip from a game surely analysed in every minute detail over the last five days, we get two replays of Zidane being sick while preparing for the penalty, Des attempting to distance himself from the clip as far as possible ("it seems we had to show it" apparently) ITV - good taste all round.

TV Review - Friday 18th June - Bulgaria v Denmark

Gary's on a beach! Because the Danes were on their holidays when they were let into Euro 92, you see. Well, memories of twelve years ago, Lineker pulling a stupid face or not, must be more of a selling point than that fixture at face value. Yes, we do get the dramatic/delightful business. Peter pops up next to him just to hammer the point home. Back to the studio, there's some comedic shaking business which makes Gordon look at both of them more askance than usual ahead of an unfollowable anecdote about missing Sweden-Bulgaria due to being in a car five minutes away with, or possibly watching, "dumb and dumber". Ian feels sorry for the Braga stadium's ball boys, "ball goats today" Gordon suggests. Because it's blasted out of rock, you see? Ian tips Bulgaria to wind Peter up, who points out "you've been going on about Denmark all day", Gary ungallantly suggesting "that's the history between them creeping back in". "Not sure which is the away end" Steve Wilson curiously questions, after the anthems, the Bulgarian one of which he nearly talks all over, adding "I'm not sure whose land is the nicest, but we're about to find out whose team is the best". Maybe he's in a private competition with Barry for flowery language, given within the first minute he's managed "like this stadium, Thomas Gravesen was quarried rather than born." "This is international football, you can't do that" Mark Bright opines over footage of Thomas Gravesen wrestling someone to the floor, as if it's OK at club level. Wilson's tendency to shout sentences at often random points ("GOOD CROSS!") is in evidence, as is Mark Bright's ability to state the obvious. Wilson moves Johan Mjallby to Aston Villa without his knowledge, which we're sure really delighted Scottish viewers. "One goal is an absolute minimum requirement" Steve reckons, brave words after the first goal. "I was starting to wonder why on earth you persuaded us to do this game" Gary asks of Schmeichel rather than Peter Salmon at half time. He's in that sort of mood, adding "the mountains behind the goal were moving faster - quite exciting, though, as I think I saw an osprey." Go on, Logan, conjugate ospreys. The second half's commencement is held up by a man dressed as an undertaker pointing to his watch, Wilson speculating "we could have had some more from the boys", Mark bringing him to his senses "that was quite sufficient". There's one thought that unified commentator, co-commentator and viewer alike, summed up early in the half with "hallelujah, Bulgaria are going to bring a striker on", which turned out to be false hope. "Big hat, big frown!" Wilson and Bright, as Strachan puts it afterwards, are thinking about going "on top of that cliff", so poor are Bulgaria even when their "best scoring opportunity is wearing a red shirt", both breaking with protocol to denounce theirs as "one of the poorest displays I've ever seen" (Bright) and "absolutely woeful" (Wilson). Schmeichel even feels the need to apologise to the viewers. We get more junior ball jugglers at the end, Gary, before a reference to Quidditch, calling this "the only bit of skill we've seen". Fair comment.

TV Review - Thursday 17th June - France v Croatia

Not wanting to waste time, we get the England goals straight off the bat ("the teenage terror"?) Hansen reckons they played "brilliantly", which is more than most Englishmen will think. That polished off in four minutes, about three times less than ITV would in that position, we get onto the mutual French appreciation society, Ian referring to his "mate in the camp", who may be Thierry himself, and seemingly suggesting to Alan that Zidane would "bite your legs". "In a perfect world France would win 6-0 here" is Alan's verdict. Lawro and Barry debate whether ref Kim Milton Neilsen is naturally bald or has a crew cut before settling down into a game where one team, as for large parts of the England game, one team is so dominant in possession without actually doing anything that, according to Lawro, "I end up counting the number of players - I'm sure there's 15 sometimes." After a foul on Zidane lasts about 25 yards Lawro's in natural ecstasy - "What an absolutely fantastic stepover... Wait till you see this. (pause) Maybe you won't." Ah, the wiles of local directors. "Love to show you the replay of a foul, don't they?" he rhetorically asks a minute later, still fuming silently. We do get hundreds of replays of the goal, just to check who got the last touch you understand. We imagine Barry would have exploded if Gallas hadn't screwed up a straight header from four yards after Zidane's flick ("nonchalance par excellance!" "Ah oui"), but at least nobody cared about it. "You can purr, but you're not quite on the edge of your seat" is Barry's somewhat downbeat opinion - hang on, you were relishing the prospect of a hammering earlier! The similarly themed punditry is briefly enlivened by chanting fans right outside the window, greeted by a "you can go away, chaps, if you like" from Gary. "You can mock Tudor if you want" is much smarter, Strachan accusing the Croatian of being "untidy". How did Gordon get to speak to David Beckham? Much is made of a "bad touch" in a Zidane montage, while conversely 'CROATIAN CAUTION' gets a clip of its own. Motson pops up on a mighty satellite delay to expand on his commentary thought with "the teenage terror made the Swiss roll". Barry gets his wish in the second half, and "I don't want to be anti-French, but it's what the game needed... "do they now go back to trying to defend to get a point out of it?" "Absolute certainty" replies Lawro with no small amount of, well, certainly. Cue... 2-1. And still he moans, this time "the need to replay free kicks is something the director clearly loves". And on - "I've seen everything now, a replay of the referee showing the yellow card" He'd already missed one. And hurrah, after 68 minutes we get the first sustained complaint about The New Interpretation Of Offside, although it did seem to be against Zidane when Henry was dribbling past him. This shouldn't mark Lawro out as the purest application of sense in punditry, though, given the moment when he takes his turn to pass comment on the ball - "It's a disco ball, isn't it? When you were in discos in the 70s you'd see those." Er, yeah. "Well claimed..." Barry praises Barthez just as he collides with his own defender and lets go of the ball. It's that kind of second half for France, also summed up by "a turn that left Henry on his backside!" Lawro declares two Croatians taking each other out "an oof moment", which Croatia nearly have a more tangible version of right at the death. Afterwards, among general incredulousness, Gary links into "our own cameras" catching Zidane's impromptu team meeting which Gordon reckons is him telling the others they can't rely on him again, to which Ian does a hair loss joke. Gary raises the tone with the observation "I don't know if UEFA have a new directive about the backpass rule, maybe you have to do one against France now", and then ruins it with "he (Mornar) must have springy shinpads". Mmm. After the England highlights again Wright declares the second Rooney's as "he's hit the shot". There's a new Sport Relief trailer with Ron Manager and David Beckham hoping that if he sits there long enough it'll finish quicker, after which Ian criticises the tournament so far, which they should really have mentioned earlier. Been quite good today though, all told.

When all is going well for your side...

...a truly outstanding coach has to find something to complain about. Therefore, Greece's Otto Rehhagel complains about the colour of the nets. Must be a big Subbuteo fan.

TV Review - Thursday 17th June - England v Switzerland

"We're starting early - well, it's a bit important." After a week so full of blame, backlash and recrimination that you wonder what half the nation would have done for the previous three days had England hung on for 1-0, you imagine that this hour's build-up might have been a bit full of filler had they come into this with three points. Instead, it's a potential "air tickets, Wednesday, whoosh", as Des puts it. "This has got to be one of the easier internationals, hasn't it?" - look, ITV, we've just warned you about tempting fate. Andy really pushes it by stating "I just can't make a case for England losing this game". "I hate to put you through it again, but I fear I must" is Des' intro to the slo-mo France game edit over classical music. We don't think we've ever seen a man as underwhelmed as when Matt tells Frank Lampard how many games he's played this season. "Do you feel he's modelled himself on you, Andy" is the unamusing Des question afterwards, while a distracting graphic in the bottom right corner runs off the England team and Terry refers to "Yakan Hakin". There's decent time to give Totti another slagging, Terry particularly unhappy with just a ban, asking "what happens if he comes back for the final and scores the winner?" We watch the final on BBC1, that's what. Jorg Stiel is introduced as a character, and Gabriel Clarke's going to run with that idea as long and as far as possible - "louder than Elton John's wardrobe", "could be Wayne Rooney's dad", you know the drill. He actually appears to be as mad as Norman Tebbit. Then, head for the hills, it's Ned Boulting in Switzerland! The report thus compiled features the most surprised vox pop subjects ever, Ned's taxi driver referring to 'Ronio', some mucking around with newspapers and, less expectedly, Matthew Pinsent. This is followed by the goals from the 1996 meeting, Tel and Gareth choi-hoking each other about Southgate's poor defensive header. Sir Bobby in position has a "good impression" of the game, if not of the team, judging by "Terry's going to play with... Terry with... Sol Campbell", or of the heat, claiming "we can't play at breakneck speed like we do in January". There's a lot being made of the heat, because of course the Swiss will be used to that, the country being in the middle of the Azores. Brilliantly, the competition clip is the same Shearer goal that's just been shown. The relevance of the montage shown with about half an hour to go, of random clips and shots of, naturally, Big Ben is beyond us. Southgate seemingly uses the phrase 'against the French' twice for each player during his England team rundown. The Ibrahimovic internal comedy returns, while Gareth Southgate, who plays no part in such things, continues his oddly decent (for ITV, yes) run of punditry form in explaining how Sven works with the preceding caveat "I'd hope to play for England again". Des thinks it'll finish "three-nought". Nought? Ah, cameras in a different pub this time. Don't hope to get on television properly, you lot. Sven gives his own "welcome back" in introducing his team, although we're not sure what this is meant to prove - we know what they look like, after all. "Nancy's here, we'll be alright." Mmm.

"When you look out there it's like thumbing through the index of a book of England road maps" is Clive's way of setting the scene, although surely that'd be full of names of road maps rather than towns. Clive sounds almost desperate on the team's behalf, if, as usual, chancing hindsight - "is there a single name on the other side that Sven or any of you would want on our team?" "If you've been wondering what the diamond is..." - oh, I think we can guess. "Looks like James Beattie, doesn't he?", Clive's thought about Huegel, is met by a typical Sir Bobby response, "yes, looks like him... probably doesn't play like him." "Looking every inch the Manchester City keeper today" - what, Clive, questionable? The England band appear to be miked up louder than the rest of the crowd. "If anybody out there was underestimating Switzerland before kickoff..." Yes, Clive? You may like to read a little back at this point. It certainly beats the opening minutes, in which Clive goes for the world record for alternate ways of saying 'they're playing like shit' and Steven Gerrard nearly proves why he should never help out in defence again. Clive gets so bored he works the presence of a Russian linesman in... and thirty seconds later Rooney scores. Is it just us, or does Sir Bobby say 'flag up' (it wasn't) as he runs off to somersault? The presence of Scholes possibly offside (probably level, looking at the half-time replay, actually, but we wanted to keep this line in, so there) is perhaps the worst news for people like us who have to listen to punditry and read football message boards, of course. "It's a hot day to be chasing a game!" That gets them mildly intrigued, Robson going "he's in, he's in" just as Owen fails to get 'in' at all. No wonder he seems to spend the rest of the half asleep, even when talking. "It's in that area, isn't it?" is the inevitable response to Switzerland getting a free kick just outside the area, taken and missed by one of "the Hakan brothers". We'll all remember that Robsonism, won't we? At least the panel doesn't follow recent panel one-eyedness and criticises all areas of the performance even though England are leading, but into the second half they continue "coughing up possession". Our attention is luckily taken by a St George's flag with 'STEVE SCOTT' on the top left white bit, leading to speculation whether the erstwhile ITV News and former Five football anchor had made his own way to Coimbra. It's not being much taken away by the game, after all, and the team in the box seem to think so too, lapsing into almost gallows humour - "it'd be nice to see England string half a dozen passes together" "I said three!" Tyldesley even seems not to twig Haas' second booking for a while, while Robson seems to have been stunned into silence. "It's a great benefit to us... but I wouldn't like an English player to be sent off under those circumstances" is his eventual summation, while Clive works it round to Ronaldinho's dismissal two years ago. Is there any altruism at all in Bobby's thought that Dyer should come on, which extends so much he feels moved to compensate by praising Hargreaves? "You can sit down at home - try to enjoy the last fifteen minutes" is the verdict after the second goal, "a scoreline, if not a performance, which will make the rest of Europe take notice" after the third. Robson reckons Lampard has "cut a lot of grass", while Clive nicely tells us a challenge on Hargreaves "doesn't look too good" just too late for the super slo-mo. Maybe, actually, Clive is learning from past mistakes, feeling it necessary to add a caveat "if they win this match" when, with an eye on the group table, suggesting we "cheer for the French tonight - go on, you can do it". Firing a broadside to the rest of Europe that they are possibly the best footballing side in the tournament when 3-0 up, even Bobby suggests he "can't see them possibly conceding". Yeah, hubris is all very well and good this late in the day, isn't it? "The campaign for Europe begins here" Clive inaccurately states in conclusion, adding "the England players have their destiny at their own feet". It's the 1982 World Cup song! They seem to be rushing through the post-match with indecent haste but then Des declares the news will follow, so who knows. It does, five minutes later, after, um, a joke about Sven's animation quotient. So not reaching at all, then. So the Curse Of ITV is broken, and we never have to see them again on the channel this tournament. Let's hope the VT editors are paid well nevertheless.

Armchair Football subscribers

It'll be sent out tomorrow, after the France-Switzerland game. OK?

TV Review - Wednesday 16th June - Russia v Portugal

Look, lads, it's Gabby's legs! Unfortunately it's also Gabby's producer losing the plot, as eleven Logans line up in Portuguese kit to show how they carry the hopes of the nation. Somehow. Don't ask us, we're just the viewer. "I can't believe that start of the show" Ally comments, although not like that. Still, could have been England again. "We're neutral here, but we really, really want Portugal to go through, don't we?" Gabby finishes, spoken like a true half-Welsh woman with belt loops on her shirtsleeves. "They are the twelth man" she illogically states of the home fans. Ah, Peter, namechecking the anthems again in a part that lasts two minutes. You'd think with a break that ended as the players came out would negate the need for another before the kick-off, but... "Did ever a nation need that!" Quite often, we'd imagine, but never mind, they seem happy enough with "a goal which the crowd simply insisted". Drury seems very keen on this whole 'how Portugal feels' idea in a way TV types never usually do outside Euro 96, as well as finding room to remember Russia-Wales - how would Wales have been treated by ITV had they qualified, do you think? Anyway, Portugal are busy "having fun in an area where fun is normally prohibited" and Drury is namechecking Ledley King while Pleat dismisses refereeing standards as "finicky". Pleat then starts reeling off facts about Georgi Yartsev, which we thought was the commentator's job, commenting "it was a shock when he was offered the job, I don't know how he'll feel when he loses the job". Yes, David. Peter ignores a England v Switzerland promo graphic and then plugs it anyway a minute later. "His nickname is 'loss' (or something similar - Ed), which means loose - not sure whether that's a compliment or not." Izmailov "wants to come to England, if anyone's interested" Pleat touts, sounding a little too much like he had a go before Santini threw him out. "Three days after England lost to France here, 18 days before England beat France here in the final..." Yes, thank you. The former was the best game for "tempo", David reckons. Right you are, then. Amazingly Drury doesn't mention You Know Who when Russia get a free kick just outside the box at the end of the first half, but makes up for it by reckoning Kariaka "took out the big bertha and found the woods". Ovchinnikov's handball outside the box, greeted with undue amazement and some self-imposed delay in departing by the Russian keeper and tut-tutting by Drury ("remember, they were on a disciplinary warning after the first game" - this before the Russian fan chose to make his protest by approaching the sub keeper on the touchline for reasons best known to themselves), leads to a free kick that sees him re-establish Zidane comparison contact. After that was missed "his only option was to take that goal kick", apparently. See, he knows the rules. "I'm not having it" harrumphs Ally at half-time, while Andy is virtually personally offended, claiming "he has to be 100% sure", as if he knew there was some doubt in the ref's mind. "The linesman didn't raise his flag" Gabby offers, not hugely surprising as the linesman was on the blind side. Andy's rage continues with the belief Totti's spit "could cause a twenty man brawl". It didn't, though, did it? Ally and Peter then have a set-piece argument that dissolves into self-indulgent chuckling, as ever, which may explain why Drury went on to lose the plot completely.
"On this day in 1963 the Russians put the first woman into space, and if they win... well, it'd be just as great a feat." Even he lost faith in that line halfway through, perhaps explaining why he then went all reasonable re the handball-or-not. Indeed, Loskov may well have been "taking charge, shaking others up" but it wasn't doing them that much good, let alone Costinha, hit by a free kick. "One taste of that magical Zidane" is Pleat's summing up of the quality of free kicks, an issue you may find nit-picking but we recall being a big talking point in France 98. Drury, fresh from describing Ronaldo's best quality as how he "makes football fun, and isn't that the point?" - er, no - describes a Portuguese player as "vivacious" and Pleat a Russian as "supposed to be a very moody player", which Drury tops with the news he's "the son of two professional volleyball players - there's a bit of spike about him". That rendered Pleat speechless. Indeed, is Drury losing his impartiality? "It really ought not to be like this" as Russia go forward is hardly the thoughts of an even handed man, as aren't "they're hanging on when they should be comfortable". "I'm sure you hardly need telling they (oh, guess) play Switzerland tomorrow" - so why do so? It's the 86th minute, producer! Soon enough "the hosts, finally, are happy", as is Peter. Why has Luis Figo been doing the English post-match interviews? He's hardly better than Rafa Benitez at the language. "Apparently there's a big match tomorrow" is Gabby's offering on England, followed by "I might be a bit pushy here, but if I were you I'd find an excuse to get in front of the telly tomorrow". But of course she'd never take after Des. They'd never get shorts in his size, for a start.