TV Review - Tuesday 22nd June - Italy v Bulgaria

"Henmania? Forget it - it's Wayne-mania now!" So to the well thumbed clips from previous games re-edited, soundtracked by the Libertines' Time For Heroes, a smart choice if the title actually appeared in the lyrics. There's no point in them starting with two minutes of this, but that's ITV for you. "Trust me, it's complicated" is Des' overview of the group situation, even though everybody knows about 2-2 and all that, before he speculates whether they could "join Spain on the plane... home". Some plane journey that would be. "48 hours until the feast day of St George and St Wayne" are Drury's opening words, betraying where ITV's real thoughts lie. It's apparently "an evening with the potential to become mighty complex" - goal difference involved, you see? It must be impossible to the untrained mind! - as Italy start to "trample on the group doormats". "If you're getting indifferent weather at home", Drury reassures us that the weather there is "reminiscent of those foggy, misty nights in Turin", which sounds a little too much like a failed holiday. "We're talking Hartlepool on a Friday night here" is probably just a particularly memorable for the wrong reasons work placement. "Petrov's devillish ball in" is unrewarded, Italy not looking convincing, which Pleat puts down to "when they had the national anthem there seemed a little nervousness". David takes three attempts to pronounce a Bulgarian's name, which is about par for the course, but he and his team-mates are doing well, Drury reckoning "Trapattoni not enjoying the rain against his window". Well, nearly the lyric. "The first Italian whistle of an evening that will become increasingly irascible" ensues even before the penalty, Pleat damning "my first reaction is Berbatov's bought that penalty", then on replay changing his mind to "he's obviously given it for holding". "The easy meats have bitten back - Italy are quaking in a quiet corner" breaks all sort of records for least explicable Drury commentary, and that's some feat. "Italy have something Alpine to climb here", and it's not helped by their performance, which Terry and Andy gleefully lay into, Venables reckoning "there ought to be a steward's inquiry into this team". "Not only do they need to win this match, they're currently losing it" is Des' at least accurate assessment, Pleat putting it down to having nobody to "show any jiggery-pokery". But they do get a scrappy equaliser, meaning "Italy are halfway back up their mountain" - an Alpine one, of course. Drury's still assuring us only the finest brains in production can work out the group situation, assuring us "we are one goal at either venue away from life becoming a little more difficult". Gianluca Zambrotta's getting the work in, though, Pleat marvelling "I don't know what pills he's on, but you should get some". Zambrotta of course plays for Juventus, of Creatine scandal fame. Italy still need three points, in any case, "having to throw all their natural instincts away" as "2-1, 3-2, 4-3... any win will do". Ah, that sort of win. "Think there's a mathematician on the Italian bench tonight, Peter?" David hardly helps. Drury predicts a lot of injury time to add to the pain, suggesting "you've got no plans for last orders at the local", apparently anticipating an hour and a half's worth of injury time. "There aren't too many jokes for the jesters" thus far, though, as Vieri's off target again - "Why won't one fly in? Answer my prayers! He's getting no assistance from above, the big man." Big man Vieri or big man God? "I wouldn't be surprised if Bulgaria go and do something silly like snatch a goal" Pleat warns, as if scoring is the stupidest thing anyone can do in football. "You very rarely, if ever, see an Italian side playing like this" Drury admires as Italy stream forward, but "'Vieri can't get there' is becoming the phrase of the tournament for those that follow Italy". See, Italy is "a nation that expects demands", as Mafia kidnappers will appreciate. Oh look, it's 2-2 in the Scandinavian derby, and Drury accordingly invokes Machiavelli. "Goal Cassano! Goal Cassano!" An interesting approach to commentary in the circumstances, especially with a cutaway to celebrating Danish fans, about which Drury comments "what a love-in that will be". Pleat starts stuttering - "2-2... 2-2... two 2-2 draws..." - while Drury right until the end sounds completely flabbergasted, almost as if he had money on Italy to win the tournament. Not that we'd suggest he had, it just sounds like it. "Did you really believe Denmark and Sweden would come up with the very result that would send Italy out?" he underestimates the international brotherhood of conspiracy theorists. "I'm sorry they've gone out - I like Italian food" is Des' helpful contribution to a debate Tyldesley in Porto assures us has little grounding, before a confused England camp discussion ends with Venables referring to different levels of achievable "bonk", to which Des replies "there's bonk and bonk, isn't there?", the offscreen crew audibly pissing themselves as much as the onscreen talent. Perhaps taking their eye off the ball leads to a complete technical breakdown at the end, but it looked like being an England montage anyway. Well, nothing much happened tonight, did it?