TV Review - Friday 18th June - Bulgaria v Denmark

Gary's on a beach! Because the Danes were on their holidays when they were let into Euro 92, you see. Well, memories of twelve years ago, Lineker pulling a stupid face or not, must be more of a selling point than that fixture at face value. Yes, we do get the dramatic/delightful business. Peter pops up next to him just to hammer the point home. Back to the studio, there's some comedic shaking business which makes Gordon look at both of them more askance than usual ahead of an unfollowable anecdote about missing Sweden-Bulgaria due to being in a car five minutes away with, or possibly watching, "dumb and dumber". Ian feels sorry for the Braga stadium's ball boys, "ball goats today" Gordon suggests. Because it's blasted out of rock, you see? Ian tips Bulgaria to wind Peter up, who points out "you've been going on about Denmark all day", Gary ungallantly suggesting "that's the history between them creeping back in". "Not sure which is the away end" Steve Wilson curiously questions, after the anthems, the Bulgarian one of which he nearly talks all over, adding "I'm not sure whose land is the nicest, but we're about to find out whose team is the best". Maybe he's in a private competition with Barry for flowery language, given within the first minute he's managed "like this stadium, Thomas Gravesen was quarried rather than born." "This is international football, you can't do that" Mark Bright opines over footage of Thomas Gravesen wrestling someone to the floor, as if it's OK at club level. Wilson's tendency to shout sentences at often random points ("GOOD CROSS!") is in evidence, as is Mark Bright's ability to state the obvious. Wilson moves Johan Mjallby to Aston Villa without his knowledge, which we're sure really delighted Scottish viewers. "One goal is an absolute minimum requirement" Steve reckons, brave words after the first goal. "I was starting to wonder why on earth you persuaded us to do this game" Gary asks of Schmeichel rather than Peter Salmon at half time. He's in that sort of mood, adding "the mountains behind the goal were moving faster - quite exciting, though, as I think I saw an osprey." Go on, Logan, conjugate ospreys. The second half's commencement is held up by a man dressed as an undertaker pointing to his watch, Wilson speculating "we could have had some more from the boys", Mark bringing him to his senses "that was quite sufficient". There's one thought that unified commentator, co-commentator and viewer alike, summed up early in the half with "hallelujah, Bulgaria are going to bring a striker on", which turned out to be false hope. "Big hat, big frown!" Wilson and Bright, as Strachan puts it afterwards, are thinking about going "on top of that cliff", so poor are Bulgaria even when their "best scoring opportunity is wearing a red shirt", both breaking with protocol to denounce theirs as "one of the poorest displays I've ever seen" (Bright) and "absolutely woeful" (Wilson). Schmeichel even feels the need to apologise to the viewers. We get more junior ball jugglers at the end, Gary, before a reference to Quidditch, calling this "the only bit of skill we've seen". Fair comment.