TV Review - Tuesday 15th June - Germany v Holland

"Two countries who are very close together, but a long way apart" is Gary's perfect description of the sides, followed by a great long montage featuring much archive footage and classical music. Now, Clive, that's how you build up the excitement. "This is a proper game, isn't it?" is Gary's opening gambit, Alan falling back on classic cliches - "organisation", "technical", "sea of orange". "It's not like England v Scotland, where the little country secretly admires the bigger?" is Gary's latest method to wind up Strachan, before he declares "I'm writing off the Germans!" "Ballack's... probably Germany's best player, isn't he?" is extraordinarily brave with the gap, but then the editing team let themselves down by presenting his World Cup semi-final booking as an example of what he's about. Much of the end of the pre-game analysis is drowned out by booing outside. CommentatorCam's back, Motty standing up next to Lawro and brandishing cushions as "it's hard to see the touchline", then wisely keeping quiet at the huge roar that greets the teams. "Oliver Kahn looked very serious in the line-up - the last time he looked like that England won 5-1" You know that for certain, do you? "Franz Beckenbauer... next to Johan Cruyff, how about that? The two World Cup captains sitting together", even though there's a massive block of seats and a couple of hangers-on between them. Motson seemed carried away with the excitement of the event, even surprised when Germany scored. The order of directorial cuts, in case you're wondering : Voller, fans, van der Sar, only then Frings. Motty brings up a David Beckham free kick as a reference point, just so the viewer had something to compare it to. Lawro relates a conversation twixt Kaiser and Lineker while Motson reckons Holland losing their first game of the championships and then going on to win it in 1988 "might be a good omen for England". Yes, and Bulgaria, Latvia and Russia too. Motty decides to point out Patrick Kluivert at half-time, while Alan wisecracks "lucky we all went for the Germans, isn't it?" The studio pundits are on form, skilfully taking apart Holland's defending, hiring Gordon Strachan has worked out very well, and even the BBC's own Frank Lampard pre-recorded interview works out better than that ITV did, due to Gary asking better questions that mean his vision of a 'French Franked In Euros' headline had the game stayed 1-0 can be overlooked. See, not that difficult, is it? We're not entirely sure he didn't refer to 'van der Fart', actually, but again we'll give him the benefit of the doubt. In the second half Motty goes mad when "a mistake let Ballack in!", only for the defender to have the ball back before the sentence has finished. It's a minor positive in "one of the most dismal performances I've seen from a Holland side". Indeed, "the quality of football in this match is not as good as in England-France so far". Always needs something to measure against, John. With Germany "still looking the better side... well, the only ones looking like a side", Lawro praises Kahn's "strong wrists" and Motson reckons Cocu "is at odds with himself". This is what they mean by 'football talk', we take it. "Absolutely typical van Nistelrooy" stepped in eventually, although van Hooydonk subsequently failed to "do a Zidane" - please, not this allusion for the whole rest of the tournament, commentators everywhere. Motson's first comment on the final whistle, "he had a good match, in my opinion, the referee", told a lot. After previewing a game that was sure to be full of free-flowing, fancy, attacking football, the panel talked up long balls to a big man up front, Lineker using his experience under Cruyff as illustration. As Ruud obligingly reveals the Czech-Latvia score just before the highlights are shown ("if you didn't know the score, you do now, Ruud's just told you") and Gordon bemoans being stuck in a taxi among "40,000 sweaty Dutch people", Gary attempts a Hansen impression and we finish off the first section of the first round. What a curious trip it already is.