TV Review - Tuesday 15th June - Czech Republic v Latvia

Is it our imagination, or have ITV nicked the BBC's satellite image zoom idea? England camp before any dicussion of the game, of course, Frank Lampard interviewed and having no more clue about Nicky Butt's circumstances than anyone else has. Robbie Earle, with Gabby and Ally in an echoey studio, confirms he was a useful player "as a young boy", reminding us of Jonathan Pearce's comments a few months ago about having followed Scott Parker's career since he was in the McDonalds advert, before he and Gabby decide UEFA not allowing a replacement for Butt is something akin to an outrage. "A very colourful stadium, isn't it" Gabby eventually notices. Don't run with the They Won Eurovision You Know line, Dave Beckett! Gabby chooses to "remind ourselves" of the Latvian line-up as if they're all household names. Clive has his big book of Latvian facts and figures out - "time to hear a new national anthem!", which appears to be God Save The Queen played at 33rpm. You know what we're going to scream next. "It's hotter than England" Clive declares on the coldest day for a couple of weeks before declaring it "the FA Cup tie of the first two weeks". No, Clive, it's a European Championship game. "In the season of Millwall and Monaco, anything's possible", but nobody really means it. As ever, Andy Townsend sounds like he's co-commentating on a Playstation game rather than live actuality, advising Latvia "don't miss the day", which must have really helped, but hey, he can speak like a punter too - "I spoke to Gary Johnson, right..." Once Tyldesley has established of Poborsky that "the hair has gone", unsurprisingly a recurring motif, two main themes emerge throughout the first half, the fish out of water nature of the Latvians - "this is not your typical Riga day" - who Clive refers to as "in the all red kit" ten minutes in, and the assurance that eventually goals will come. Unless they frustratingly don't. It takes 32 minutes for Clive and Andy to bring up the ball, if you're keeping count, and Andy throws in a Zidane reference to boot. Have you noticed how ITV always go on about the interactive option, featuring the news off Teletext and basic stats, whereas you have to read the publicity in full to know about the excellent BBC service? One for the teenagers as Clive refers to watching Jan Koller as "like Fred Dibnah at work", later reffering to a foul as "like WWF - the one where they come out of the corner". Given away by his knowledge there. Describing Astafjevs' luck at Bristol Rovers he also claims "he brought an albatross with him". What, as hand luggage? So then Latvia go and score, and Clive briefly sounds like he's trying to give birth. "If you stepped out to make a cup of tea before half time..." is Gabby's angle, while Ally comments "sometimes he (Koller) looks like he's towing a caravan", which explains the lax marking at times. Perhaps this explains why Robbie reckons Latvia "haven't come here on a sightseeing trip". Of course they find an England flag, Gabby unfathomably suggesting the owners may be "brushing up on their reading, or there may be Latvians learning English." For reasons best known to the ITV production team Clive and Robbie indulge in some crosstalk about "Earley" scoring for Jamaica six years previously in relation to the "improbable goal", nearly doubled by Verpakovskis' 25 yarder just wide, greeted "why not... WHY NOT?" before reaching for the old amusing spelling favourite, suggesting if he scored the winner it would be "a task for the Sun sub-editors - I've set you a test there, boys". He should have given a text number out at that. "It's not gonna happen, you know" after another failed Czech attack was just tempting fate with 20 minutes left, and you'd think he'd have learnt about that after the suggestions Arsenal and Spurs wouldn't be able to move for '1-0' chants a good half hour before the end on Sunday. Except this time it took just two minutes. "Somebody got a hand on the ball...", for which Andy criticises Petr Cech for as he ran out of goal and didn't make contact with the ball, albeit because Marian Pahars had punched it past him. "2-1 Czech Renum... Czech Republic!" With a minute left Andy discusses the virtues of hanging on, at which Clive chides "will you be quiet, the England boys are listening!" To ITV? That must be an interesting satellite set-up. Do they get all the ITV commentaries to go with the faux-flag backdrop they used a lot on Sunday, or just whatever's being broadcast to us? At the end "the dark horses are still galloping", inevitably, and as Gabby consoles some pointlessly crying Latvian fans "they've always got the Eurovision Song Contest to look forward to." Latvia on ITV, then - patronising to the last.