TV Review - Sunday 13th June - Switzerland v Croatia

The lessons learnt by the Beeb overnight seem to have been put into practice already - no chairs making awkward noises, no fidgety pundits, no emergency redecorating. The satellite zoom's still right at the start, which doesn't quite work there, but never mind. Gary's pitchside in Leiria, telling us the Portuguese "had to keep banging on the border, the Spanish were making a bit of noise" before rhetorically asking of Group B "you know who's in that by now, don't you?" There's little pretence that this is the big game, and at times the exhortations to watch are almost desperate, when Gary comments "even if it's only a scouting mission it should be worth watching". Reid and Strachan are with birthday boy Hansen in the studio, the latter denying the perfect present would be a French win - "such sincerity when you said that". There's a marked improvement in the level of informed banter, partly due to Strachan's surprise (well, he wasn't listed in the press releases) appearance - Gary gets as far as "if you were English, Gordon... I'm not even going to give you the options", which Strachan responds to in kind by not letting him step in mid-flow about the night's game. "That's not actually the game we're covering, there are two other teams" "Is there?" Yes, Switzerland ("Yakin, a player you've seen, Gordon?" "No") and Croatia, everyone appreciating Lineker's line about how the Swiss "lost games against two minnows of world football, Morocco and Germany." Do you see? Hakan Yakin and Dado Prso are apparently "brothers", as both have ponytails. Steve Wilson's first words of Euro 2004 are "you could be forgiven for thinking there were two teams in group B", which doesn't bode well, but he shows a neat turn of language when he explains why the Swiss were "singing from different song sheets". Lawro's alongside, calling Johann Vogel a "silly boy" for getting booked, claiming someone had been "hit by a bulldozer" and setting off the ironists again with "he's a big, big boy, this Mornar". His latest obsession is diving - "because players roll over so easily you're never quite sure if there's contact or not... it might just send a signal out to any other guy who's going to fall over in the penalty area"" is his overview, and he goes on to go on at length about inconsistency when the referee doesn't book Chapusiat for a hilarious dive, as "every time you see it it gets worse". "Baric... looks good for 70. Don't know what he's using in his hair" Wilson comments before coughing on-mike. At half time Lineker reckons "the biggest thing to come out of that is England shouldn't have much to fear", while Hansen singles out Bernt Haas for criticism, mentioning he was "bought by a manager sitting there", nodding towards Reid. "Did you buy him for his name?" Gary wonders, amid much hilarity at Haas' reaction to finding five attackers behind him after misreading the offside trap. Lineker makes an obvious joke about Strachan being small, letting Reid play up the moment when "you just said we" ("I'm not going to bother again"), but makes up ground with "Switzerland barely got out of neutral - nothing new there, then." Vogel eventually gets red carded, Lawro putting this down to how "it must be hotter than we think because they're all doing stupid things". Stiel's innovative save on the ground with his head leads to a silence which makes it sound like both have had to turn the mikes down for fear of pissing themselves laughing. Are commentators trying to mention "two balls on the pitch" during every game? We're sure it's featured from Wilson, Davies and Motson alike so far. Something that thankfully hasn't made so many appearances is The New Interpretation Of Offside, although Lawro gives it a go when wondering if a player who was offside when the ball was played to him was in active play. (In fact, Lawro had brought this up on Saturday's Euro 2004 Football Focus, citing "a goal Liverpool scored against Leeds" - anyone?) A decent selection of technical glitches later it finishes goalless, and while Peter Drury would be apoplectic at having the carefully planned England build-up ruined Wilson is pragmatic. Gary is less careful - "I've never been happier to see such a pile of rubbish" - while Gordon fears for his health getting out if he's too critical, suggesting they're "negative people", and Reid reckons Stiel was thinking "I'll have to do something for the lads in the studio", which would make for interesting priorities, before Gary brings analysis to an end with "I've had enough of that game" and a perhaps not totally serious preview of "the big one, the Brazilian section of Strictly Come Dancing - the samba or the can-can, the choice is yours." So now it's all in for ITV and England's tournament debuts, a union represented in idents by a bulldog. Hmm, don't send out too mixed messages now, will you?