TV Review - Monday 14th June - Sweden v Bulgaria

Well, ITV have already got the trailer sorted for Thursday at least - shots from that pub they had cameras in on Sunday. Those scenes aren't going to become iconic, you know. "I hope you're not in terminal decline" Des starts. We've had a game since then, cheers. "How are you doing, my friend?" asks a Dane, and Andy answers with a piece of film which appears to show Cole being torn between going back and staying where he is, the sort of thing you'd only notice if you've been watching the tape constantly for half a day, or maybe this was what Rick Waumsley meant when he said Andy sees things viewers might not appreciate otherwise. They don't note that Cole was being motioned towards the opposite post to where Zidane struck it to, but then they are too busy ripping off Soccer AM's Third Eye - with an arrow and everything - by showing a motionless England fan in the France end. "We've got a match on here" Des finally notices - no highlights from earlier or analysis that amounts to anything more than a passing reference that both sides have decent strikers, but of course we get the competition. Just as McDonalds start trailing their involvement in the Kid Escort scheme, the directors cut them right out of the picture on the anthem line-ups. Jon Champion's commentating, making it to five minutes before invoking 1994 and telling us the details of Mike Riley's first ever game as ref. That bonhomie doesn't last that long. "Has Mike Riley adjudged that to be a foul? If he has done, that's got to be a penalty!" A limited knowledge of the rules there, as an indirect free kick is awarded. "I don't know, Jim, the standard of full back play these days..." Jon seems surprised that Sweden are attacking, although not as much as we are that some of the crowd seem to have kazoos at hand. "Half an hour gone, and it's not half bad", but that's seconds before a Swede foul throws. "Did you never do that, Jim? (pause) Silence doesn't work on the television." Then "Sweden's best dressed man" scores, and we're off. We hadn't noticed before that the set features a player from each side behind Andy Townsend's head, which is far better than looking at him, or indeed listening to Des and Steve McClaren's patball of an interview. Everyone seems to be pronouncing Ibrahimovic's name to rhyme with Chelsea's owner. "At least this keeper is more open about his baldness" says Jon, seemingly wanting to start a small-scale pub conversation about Bobby Mihailov. It was a hair transplant rather than a rug, wasn't it? Beglin invents the 'wide ringer' position, which is from about where the cross came in for Sweden's excellent second, his second leading Champion to refer to "that famous third place play-off in the Pasadena Rose Bowl". Jon decides that people don't rate Larsson as he only scores goals in the SPL, somewhat ignoring Celtic's UEFA Cup runs and his past international record. Sadly Jon fails to comment on the Swede wearing the biggest wig in the world, preferring instead to provide a Drury-style comment in the absence of goals from his game : "after being pained and thrilled last night, Henrik Larsson's regally entertaining us tonight." "And we've come full circle!" as Sweden score their fourth - was he with 5 Live in 1994? He seems to have well implanted memories of that World Cup. "Bulgaria not as bad as this scoreline will suggest, Sweden not as good" is his opinion, perhaps going against popular views of the previous night's game, even before "Sweden complete a nap hand". At least he didn't mention goals in extra time. There's a "easy for you to say" about Ibrahimovic to Des from Andy, who remembers his corporation status and refers to Gordon Ramsey with reference to the third goal. "I wish England had him" Des pointlessly states about Zlatan, to which Andy reminds him "not gonna happen", to which of *course* Terry laughs, before adding Mike Riley "brings some Premiership controversy to the proceedings", as if that's the be all and end all of game interpretation and declaring Bulgaria "towelled it". More pointless laughter at the heat, which is about the level. And the coverage of two games ends with highlights... of England. What will they do when the Beeb get all the live coverage after the Swiss game to pass the time?