TV Review - Sunday 13th June - England v France

"Knew you weren't going to miss it". Des there, trying to summon up his famous 1990 England-West Germany comments, after a uniquely unmemorable theme accompanied by some nicely put together CGI of players running and kicking balls around Portugal taken from actual games. "This is where it all starts" he inaccurately states, before ruining it with an exhortation to the effect that it's "time to stiffen the sinews and summon up the blood", followed by clips intercut with, well, knights. For fuck's sake, now they're invoking Agincourt! Plus they've got Steven Gerrard to say "only on ITV", as if the BBC are banned from showing it at any stage. And here's something - until the Tyldesleyfest montage we'd never heard his Beckham Argentina commentary before, and certainly "he's big enough!" isn't about to supplant "you can smash them now" in the nation's affections. "If you weren't in the mood before, you probably are now" Des says afterwards, the very opposite of what we thought. Gareth Southgate is in the studio with Terry and Andy - "I don't think I've looked forward to a game like this for a long time" says Terry, as he also probably said before Brazil and Argentina two years ago. "Perhaps you could talk us through this England eleven" Des suggests to Gareth, at which it cuts to a clearly pre-recorded voiceover in which he uses his immense knowledge of his team-mates to reveal Gary Neville is experienced, Steven Gerrard is a good playmaker and "David Beckham, England captain... big defensive job for him against Zidane." Enlightening. Andy does the French team, of much the same stripe, although neither is helped by the speed the graphics move at. Switzerland-Croatia gets ignored, but hey, there's a thousand pound competition to be done! C. Paul Gascoigne. 0901 6562004 or Euro C to 85145. Des and Bobby have a chat in which Sir Bob says "I can't see us losing" as if England were playing Andorra and answers a question about the key player "Gerrard... want any more?" Hindsight there. Des chats to Beckham, and you can guess how in-depth that was, followed by a shot of Victoria accompanied by the kind of Romeo close-up we're sure the PCC have just warned newspapers against printing. Out of the next break we get the team introducing themselves in a 'Wayne Rooney, striker' way - what if there was a late injury? Gareth is moved to comment on how uncomfortable they look, while Terry describes it as a "time for calmness" just after Southgate has lamented the lack of hyped-up Pearce/Adams style players, and then refers to a French "arrogance". As opposed to, ITV? They've got a camera in a London pub, which seems to be the worst idea ever and indeed one never returned to, and over to Bobby and Clive, who calls it Le Crunch before the players have so much lined up for the anthems. "Has that got you in the mood? Thought so!" Well, Clive, if it had, THROWING TO AN ADVERTISING BREAK HAS JUST COMPLETELY RUINED IT AGAIN. ITV, HAVE YOU REALLY GOT NO IDEA WHY EVERYBODY PREFERS THE NON-ADVERTISEMENT BBC COVERAGE?

"It's a match with a hundred stories to tell already" - from 22 players? "You can hold hands if it gets really scary" - for christ's sake, we're sick of Tyldesley before the kick off. That takes some doing, and he's not even mentioned Barcelona 1999. Now, someone help us here - when Clive asked Bobby about the pitch, did Sir Bob really reply "it's absolutely magnificent - I am important to Newcastle United", as we thought? Clive definitely said "Every town and shire in England has a flag in this stadium", which we doubt. Sir Bobby's limitations as a co-commentator are immediately obvious - he doesn't like talking for long, and imparts no more information than is necessary ("it was only a matter of time before we won the ball back. And now we've lost it again"), which is handy for an ITV pundit but hardly helps the flow of commentary, and later commenting that Zidane is "very similar to the way Scholes has played for us" definitely needed thinking about in advance of saying it. "Shouldn't really be hearing many players complaining about being tired and emotional, poor lambs" Clive chides, oblivious to how most foreign pundits have said that for them already. 'Entente Cordiale' turns up ten minutes in, but 'the Lions of Lisbon' has to wait until about the 35 minute mark, alongside a reference to the other Stadium Of Light. While Ashley Cole avoids "Henry's hooves steaming up behind you to pick your pocket", the first half of the first half (you know what we mean, don't you?) sees Clive go on about the inventive play of England's midfield and the confidence of the defence, despite the fact they're not actually doing anything and France are attacking well every couple of minutes, but that's patriotism for you. Robson spends about ten minutes going on about overlapping full backs and nothing else, while Tyldesley is needlessly sarcastic about a player, we didn't catch which, saying he liked a full English breakfast - "it had never occured to me they come to England for the cuisine." This is neither the time nor the place, Clive. "Manchester United to Manchester United to former Manchester United." Then... "it's in!" Cut to Beckham, cut to fans, cut to the opposite corner of the pitch, only then cut to the celebrations. Well done, director. "It couldn't have gone further away from the goalkeeper if you'd thrown it in" opines Bobby. "If you're a neutral in this stadium you'd think it was a bit harsh on France, but there isn't a neutral in this stadium." Prove it, Clive. "Ledley King is aptly named" Bobby helpfully chimes in later. "It does sound nice, doesn't it?", as Clive presses the point home.

Half-time was solely notable for the trailer for the two Monday games which took the piss out of the BBC campaign. They've done this before, and it had exactly the same effect this time, that is to say making ITV look like sore losers knowing they won't win any kind of battle for ratings or hearts. Which of course we've come to expect of them. That the voiceover sounded like a man trying to impersonate Ray Winstone was the least surprising thing about it. Oh, apparently "David Beckham wasn't sure it had gone in", cueing up a close-up of his face betraying no such emotion. Don't be too desperate, ITV. It also occurs to us that Southgate, in having a clue about how tactics work, is actually showing up how bad Andy Townsend is.

As an example of the way independent TV works, it's notable that less than three minutes into the second half Clive hypes up the interactive option, which is no such thing, and the website. They never bother on The Other Side, but hey, they make trailers which cost some money. Plus Motson, Davies and Wilson don't say things like "the last time these two countries met in a match of any import the England number 10 made the difference. *pause* Jonny Wilkinson." Yeah, all football fans equally love rugby, don't they? As time went on you could hear the frustration growing in Clive's voice as "the self-preservation society of the England defence" were tested repeatedly, and you know the Neville handball claim will sooner or later be brought up as a stroke of luck denied penalty against when it almost certainly wasn't. "Leslie King" (Robson) held out and Steven Gerrard added another to his "half a dozen" misplaced passes this season - counted them all before the game, did you? Again, hello, hindsight - and when Rooney went down in the box you could forgive his lengthy pause before confirming the penalty. The "elastic" Barthez dealt with that, and we were back on again, Robson luckily talking throughout a short period when two England players collided on *three* seperate occasions, probably about his second half bugbear of relative tiredness. "I wish this game was over" Robson summed up, and that was with fifteen minutes left. "Arsenal have made a... Arsenal?" No wonder Clive missed all the substitutions, although he was subsequently accurate with "you sense we're into the last quarter of this game." With five minutes left Clive yet again looks to the rugby, citing how "they got games won", and a minute later plugs Fantasy Football by ensuring he gets into it, accompanying a cutaway of Santini "what big eyes you've got". "He'll be greeted in every dugout in the country by 'one-nil, one-nil'." What would the fans be doing in the dugouts? "How's your heart, Robert" chides Clive when France are awarded a free kick, tempting fate by adding they will win if they can keep it out. "50 billion pairs of fingers are crossed" Clive illogically adds, which may have been what turned fate against England. Still, as Robson adds, "what England must not do now is let..." He didn't get the opportunity to finish his thought.

Ah, ITV Curse, how are you?

Clive hardly helps the situation with "England will just have to beat them in the final instead." "Well, I've been disappointed about some football outcomes in my time..." Des comes out of the break, perhaps forgetting about club loyalties. Everyone is just talking over each other throughout the post-match which makes for less sense than usual from the panel, although ITV find time to remember their core audience by going straight to a cutaway of Victoria after two replays of the penalty miss. Des can't even be arsed to come up with an amusing aside to finish, although playing a massive Fantasy Football trailer at least ate up a couple of minutes of downbeat analysis.

Still, did you see Switzerland and Croatia?