TV Review - Monday 14th June - Denmark v Italy

It was good, we thought, for ITV's coverage of Denmark-Italy to start cosmopolitainly with a full demonstration of the skill and tactical nous we could expect from the game ahead. Only joking! Highlights and discussion of "an Anglo-French drama with a shocking twist" for ages, of course. Ally, beaded with sweat, reckons both sides would have been unlucky to lose, which is about the level of the tactical conversation raging the nation that's reflected here. Robbie, needless to say, doesn't wonder why Rooney didn't square it to Vassell. Back on with the day's game Gabriel Clarke refers to Italy's "groomers and shakers" under "personal trainer Trappatoni", which more than deserves the cold reaction he gets from Christian Vieri. Some woman from RAI talks about sex regulations, which surely isn't the way forward at what's usually CITV time. Gabby refers to Denmark as "a team we know quite well as a lot of them ply their trade here", accompanied by a team graphic featuring one British based player. Are we going to get a pre-match montage for every game? "Today someone else does the suffering... give your St George's flag a lie down... the sharp blue shirt of Italy, so evocative of a major competition." Peter Drury, ladies and gentlemen, naming the two national anthems for good measure, adjudging the singing as "splendidly upbeat". Adverts between the anthems and kickoff! They'll never bloody learn! Both sides are playing their first finals game since 2002, you'll be shocked to learn. Drury manages four references to the previous night in the first five minutes, including "he man-marked Zinedine Zidane in a recent friendly - if only you could man-mark players at penalties and free kicks" and "a little bit of the England-France flavour, as there will be colleagues facing each other." Not reaching at all, then? He also calls Morten Olsen Trappatoni, which makes us wonder who David Pleat's actually referring to when he says "we spoke, but I suppose we didn't conquer". 'Carnavaro' is this year's first recipient of a Pleat repronunication, 'Viera' the second. "Sharp blue" shirtage makes a reappearance halfway through the first half, but at least it's more explicable than "How calm is that from Allesandro Nesta? That is Allesandro Nesta calm", and certainly more dignified than trailing Switzerland-England during a passage of play. "The everlasting wildcard" Danes have a set of fans which "no tournament is complete without". Drury goes into detail on Perrotta's Cheshire bringing up during a stoppage, causing Pleat to remark "it only proves if you're from Manchester you can make a late tackle with the best of them." Er, yes, David. "The temperature is 33 degrees C on the pitch - it's about 48 in here" Gabby confides, but is she being ironic when she says "the second half to come - we're all looking forward to that"? The pitch map makes its debut at the end of the break, augmenting the possession stats with bars and figures that show nothing except that the team have some nice new equipment. Christian Panucci may have been "as immaculately turned out as ever" but he wasn't inspiring his team-mates much in a second half performance only enlivened when Drury described sub Antonio Cassano "he's rash, he's brash", Pleat feeling the need to file him under "Italy's answer to Wayne Rooney, I believe". The ball is going to be this year's group stage international bugbear, isn't it? Pleat ponders how "the Italian media" will react to the performance, and Drury waits a full minute before replying. Francesco Totti is given such a big build-up comparing the position of a late free kick to Zidane's the previous night that he can't fail to completely miss. "Well, they don't always come off" Drury covers his arse. "Going back on the English theme, David O'Leary will be more than happy" Pleat states, although surely the English theme was international and thus non-inclusive of O'Leary, before Drury castigates Totti's booking for completing a total 180 on seeing the replay. After all that, the Danes can go back to their "famous drinking product" with a point and a suddenly croaky Ally's confident prediction of a more attacking Italy had been shot down. Not quite "a disaster" though, surely.