TV Review - Thursday 17th June - England v Switzerland

"We're starting early - well, it's a bit important." After a week so full of blame, backlash and recrimination that you wonder what half the nation would have done for the previous three days had England hung on for 1-0, you imagine that this hour's build-up might have been a bit full of filler had they come into this with three points. Instead, it's a potential "air tickets, Wednesday, whoosh", as Des puts it. "This has got to be one of the easier internationals, hasn't it?" - look, ITV, we've just warned you about tempting fate. Andy really pushes it by stating "I just can't make a case for England losing this game". "I hate to put you through it again, but I fear I must" is Des' intro to the slo-mo France game edit over classical music. We don't think we've ever seen a man as underwhelmed as when Matt tells Frank Lampard how many games he's played this season. "Do you feel he's modelled himself on you, Andy" is the unamusing Des question afterwards, while a distracting graphic in the bottom right corner runs off the England team and Terry refers to "Yakan Hakin". There's decent time to give Totti another slagging, Terry particularly unhappy with just a ban, asking "what happens if he comes back for the final and scores the winner?" We watch the final on BBC1, that's what. Jorg Stiel is introduced as a character, and Gabriel Clarke's going to run with that idea as long and as far as possible - "louder than Elton John's wardrobe", "could be Wayne Rooney's dad", you know the drill. He actually appears to be as mad as Norman Tebbit. Then, head for the hills, it's Ned Boulting in Switzerland! The report thus compiled features the most surprised vox pop subjects ever, Ned's taxi driver referring to 'Ronio', some mucking around with newspapers and, less expectedly, Matthew Pinsent. This is followed by the goals from the 1996 meeting, Tel and Gareth choi-hoking each other about Southgate's poor defensive header. Sir Bobby in position has a "good impression" of the game, if not of the team, judging by "Terry's going to play with... Terry with... Sol Campbell", or of the heat, claiming "we can't play at breakneck speed like we do in January". There's a lot being made of the heat, because of course the Swiss will be used to that, the country being in the middle of the Azores. Brilliantly, the competition clip is the same Shearer goal that's just been shown. The relevance of the montage shown with about half an hour to go, of random clips and shots of, naturally, Big Ben is beyond us. Southgate seemingly uses the phrase 'against the French' twice for each player during his England team rundown. The Ibrahimovic internal comedy returns, while Gareth Southgate, who plays no part in such things, continues his oddly decent (for ITV, yes) run of punditry form in explaining how Sven works with the preceding caveat "I'd hope to play for England again". Des thinks it'll finish "three-nought". Nought? Ah, cameras in a different pub this time. Don't hope to get on television properly, you lot. Sven gives his own "welcome back" in introducing his team, although we're not sure what this is meant to prove - we know what they look like, after all. "Nancy's here, we'll be alright." Mmm.

"When you look out there it's like thumbing through the index of a book of England road maps" is Clive's way of setting the scene, although surely that'd be full of names of road maps rather than towns. Clive sounds almost desperate on the team's behalf, if, as usual, chancing hindsight - "is there a single name on the other side that Sven or any of you would want on our team?" "If you've been wondering what the diamond is..." - oh, I think we can guess. "Looks like James Beattie, doesn't he?", Clive's thought about Huegel, is met by a typical Sir Bobby response, "yes, looks like him... probably doesn't play like him." "Looking every inch the Manchester City keeper today" - what, Clive, questionable? The England band appear to be miked up louder than the rest of the crowd. "If anybody out there was underestimating Switzerland before kickoff..." Yes, Clive? You may like to read a little back at this point. It certainly beats the opening minutes, in which Clive goes for the world record for alternate ways of saying 'they're playing like shit' and Steven Gerrard nearly proves why he should never help out in defence again. Clive gets so bored he works the presence of a Russian linesman in... and thirty seconds later Rooney scores. Is it just us, or does Sir Bobby say 'flag up' (it wasn't) as he runs off to somersault? The presence of Scholes possibly offside (probably level, looking at the half-time replay, actually, but we wanted to keep this line in, so there) is perhaps the worst news for people like us who have to listen to punditry and read football message boards, of course. "It's a hot day to be chasing a game!" That gets them mildly intrigued, Robson going "he's in, he's in" just as Owen fails to get 'in' at all. No wonder he seems to spend the rest of the half asleep, even when talking. "It's in that area, isn't it?" is the inevitable response to Switzerland getting a free kick just outside the area, taken and missed by one of "the Hakan brothers". We'll all remember that Robsonism, won't we? At least the panel doesn't follow recent panel one-eyedness and criticises all areas of the performance even though England are leading, but into the second half they continue "coughing up possession". Our attention is luckily taken by a St George's flag with 'STEVE SCOTT' on the top left white bit, leading to speculation whether the erstwhile ITV News and former Five football anchor had made his own way to Coimbra. It's not being much taken away by the game, after all, and the team in the box seem to think so too, lapsing into almost gallows humour - "it'd be nice to see England string half a dozen passes together" "I said three!" Tyldesley even seems not to twig Haas' second booking for a while, while Robson seems to have been stunned into silence. "It's a great benefit to us... but I wouldn't like an English player to be sent off under those circumstances" is his eventual summation, while Clive works it round to Ronaldinho's dismissal two years ago. Is there any altruism at all in Bobby's thought that Dyer should come on, which extends so much he feels moved to compensate by praising Hargreaves? "You can sit down at home - try to enjoy the last fifteen minutes" is the verdict after the second goal, "a scoreline, if not a performance, which will make the rest of Europe take notice" after the third. Robson reckons Lampard has "cut a lot of grass", while Clive nicely tells us a challenge on Hargreaves "doesn't look too good" just too late for the super slo-mo. Maybe, actually, Clive is learning from past mistakes, feeling it necessary to add a caveat "if they win this match" when, with an eye on the group table, suggesting we "cheer for the French tonight - go on, you can do it". Firing a broadside to the rest of Europe that they are possibly the best footballing side in the tournament when 3-0 up, even Bobby suggests he "can't see them possibly conceding". Yeah, hubris is all very well and good this late in the day, isn't it? "The campaign for Europe begins here" Clive inaccurately states in conclusion, adding "the England players have their destiny at their own feet". It's the 1982 World Cup song! They seem to be rushing through the post-match with indecent haste but then Des declares the news will follow, so who knows. It does, five minutes later, after, um, a joke about Sven's animation quotient. So not reaching at all, then. So the Curse Of ITV is broken, and we never have to see them again on the channel this tournament. Let's hope the VT editors are paid well nevertheless.