TV Review - Wednesday 16th June - Russia v Portugal

Look, lads, it's Gabby's legs! Unfortunately it's also Gabby's producer losing the plot, as eleven Logans line up in Portuguese kit to show how they carry the hopes of the nation. Somehow. Don't ask us, we're just the viewer. "I can't believe that start of the show" Ally comments, although not like that. Still, could have been England again. "We're neutral here, but we really, really want Portugal to go through, don't we?" Gabby finishes, spoken like a true half-Welsh woman with belt loops on her shirtsleeves. "They are the twelth man" she illogically states of the home fans. Ah, Peter, namechecking the anthems again in a part that lasts two minutes. You'd think with a break that ended as the players came out would negate the need for another before the kick-off, but... "Did ever a nation need that!" Quite often, we'd imagine, but never mind, they seem happy enough with "a goal which the crowd simply insisted". Drury seems very keen on this whole 'how Portugal feels' idea in a way TV types never usually do outside Euro 96, as well as finding room to remember Russia-Wales - how would Wales have been treated by ITV had they qualified, do you think? Anyway, Portugal are busy "having fun in an area where fun is normally prohibited" and Drury is namechecking Ledley King while Pleat dismisses refereeing standards as "finicky". Pleat then starts reeling off facts about Georgi Yartsev, which we thought was the commentator's job, commenting "it was a shock when he was offered the job, I don't know how he'll feel when he loses the job". Yes, David. Peter ignores a England v Switzerland promo graphic and then plugs it anyway a minute later. "His nickname is 'loss' (or something similar - Ed), which means loose - not sure whether that's a compliment or not." Izmailov "wants to come to England, if anyone's interested" Pleat touts, sounding a little too much like he had a go before Santini threw him out. "Three days after England lost to France here, 18 days before England beat France here in the final..." Yes, thank you. The former was the best game for "tempo", David reckons. Right you are, then. Amazingly Drury doesn't mention You Know Who when Russia get a free kick just outside the box at the end of the first half, but makes up for it by reckoning Kariaka "took out the big bertha and found the woods". Ovchinnikov's handball outside the box, greeted with undue amazement and some self-imposed delay in departing by the Russian keeper and tut-tutting by Drury ("remember, they were on a disciplinary warning after the first game" - this before the Russian fan chose to make his protest by approaching the sub keeper on the touchline for reasons best known to themselves), leads to a free kick that sees him re-establish Zidane comparison contact. After that was missed "his only option was to take that goal kick", apparently. See, he knows the rules. "I'm not having it" harrumphs Ally at half-time, while Andy is virtually personally offended, claiming "he has to be 100% sure", as if he knew there was some doubt in the ref's mind. "The linesman didn't raise his flag" Gabby offers, not hugely surprising as the linesman was on the blind side. Andy's rage continues with the belief Totti's spit "could cause a twenty man brawl". It didn't, though, did it? Ally and Peter then have a set-piece argument that dissolves into self-indulgent chuckling, as ever, which may explain why Drury went on to lose the plot completely.
"On this day in 1963 the Russians put the first woman into space, and if they win... well, it'd be just as great a feat." Even he lost faith in that line halfway through, perhaps explaining why he then went all reasonable re the handball-or-not. Indeed, Loskov may well have been "taking charge, shaking others up" but it wasn't doing them that much good, let alone Costinha, hit by a free kick. "One taste of that magical Zidane" is Pleat's summing up of the quality of free kicks, an issue you may find nit-picking but we recall being a big talking point in France 98. Drury, fresh from describing Ronaldo's best quality as how he "makes football fun, and isn't that the point?" - er, no - describes a Portuguese player as "vivacious" and Pleat a Russian as "supposed to be a very moody player", which Drury tops with the news he's "the son of two professional volleyball players - there's a bit of spike about him". That rendered Pleat speechless. Indeed, is Drury losing his impartiality? "It really ought not to be like this" as Russia go forward is hardly the thoughts of an even handed man, as aren't "they're hanging on when they should be comfortable". "I'm sure you hardly need telling they (oh, guess) play Switzerland tomorrow" - so why do so? It's the 86th minute, producer! Soon enough "the hosts, finally, are happy", as is Peter. Why has Luis Figo been doing the English post-match interviews? He's hardly better than Rafa Benitez at the language. "Apparently there's a big match tomorrow" is Gabby's offering on England, followed by "I might be a bit pushy here, but if I were you I'd find an excuse to get in front of the telly tomorrow". But of course she'd never take after Des. They'd never get shorts in his size, for a start.