TV Review - Monday 21st June - England v Croatia

"You'd think we'd be used to it by now" is Gary's not hugely comforting words on revealing this is the seventh major tournament in a row in which England have required something from their last group game. Already out by then in 1988, were we? And then he introduces clips of England's rubbishness in this competition, which hardly helps. "I can see you all diving for the remote" is his comment after mentioning France-Switzerland is on Interactive, which is hardly a filip to French/Swiss viewers, or Steve Claridge fans. "I'm slightly surprised you've got a Croatia shirt on" is his wry aside on Ian's red and white check shirt, sandwiched between Peter Reid and Alan, who dubs Croatia "big, strong and average". "We're all going for... Croatia?" is Gary's final shot, Ian either stonewalling him or too concentrated on the game when commenting "it's not even funny". Motty nods to "all those in the pub, especially mine" before bringing up a 10-0 victory in 1946 as some sort of omen. "Stop shaking, Joe Royle!" is his humorous aside before declaring ref Collina "has been in charge of so many great England performances" without actually specifying any. Not that this gets off to a great start, Motson seemingly blaming Ashley Cole for the goal. As will the whole country tomorrow, but never mind. For all the kittens he's having whenever Scholes is near the ball near the box, being "there to miss it" in the classic euphemism, it's not helping, and neither for BBC purposes is the cutaway of Bobby Robson commentating which goes unremarked upon. "Cole was the only England player left back... and he is the left back" is unnecessary, but in a different way to "Eriksson adjusting his spectacles... his glasses". "There's some anxiety, no doubt, at home" he declares, somewhat obviously, but reassuring us with "they're not getting out of their own half, the Croatians", just after James had had to claim a 50:50 ball. Joe Royle states the even more obvious, "we don't need to go two behind at this stage of the game". "Owen's lost possession - well, he didn't really gain it, in a funny way" about sums up the confusion inherent in England's increasingly untidy build-up play, and indeed untidy goal. Not that that matters hugely as Motty shreds his throat and ends that bloody factoid dredged up so many times a game. They're still trying, Royle cataloguing Beckham's fate as "several blocks, a couple of chips, twisted ankle". "ROONEY! Is there nothing he can't do?" Fly unaided, probably, although kudos for probably the longest range goal of the tournament so far. See, not everybody's having trouble with the ball. "I wouldn't be surprised if he got a hat-trick tonight" is Royle's somewhat premature judgement, Alan picking up the hype baton by reckoning his cushioned header back to Scholes was "one of the finest headers I've ever seen". "They've not done this again, have they?" is Gary's reaction at a studio cutaway, Ian screaming and Alan applauding because, he explains, "I was happy for Ian Wright. I'm happy when Ian Wright's happy." Why do they appear not to be watching through the window to the actual pitch? Reid contents himself with wondering how to pronounce Prso. "Remember this name - Johann Vonlanthen!" screams Steve Wilson at Switzerland-France, rather too obviously betraying his sources. "If you were neutral, German TV or something, you'd look at this and think 'English aren't bad, are they?'" ponders Gary, while Motty has wider issues - "As an Evertonian, Joe, can Everton keep him now?" Surely some warning should have been made in advance for that question. Joe refers to the Croatian keeper's "chocolate wrists", which Motty ponders "that's not an expression I've heard too often". Perhaps it goes with Joaquin's "chocolate foot" Mick McCarthy diagnosed last Wednesday. "It would take a massive turnaround for this to go against England" Royle tempts fate, but as Motty says "don't let's get overexcited". Bit late now, surely? Rooney scores the third, Motty reckoning "he might even grab the headlines away from Tim Henman this week", and gets rested, the director on a big close-up of Scholes seemingly investigating his nose when the board goes up, although Motty doesn't miss it - "the noise from the England fans is enormous - even the substitute's applauding". Royle reckons tomorrow's headlines will be "full of R's and O's", which would be something of a misprint. Then a spanner in the works, which takes Motty by surprise, going "oh! It's gone in!" and seeming to take ages to notice no defender was near Tudor. A Chelsea deputation is spotted, which makes Motty wonder "Are they poised to make a bid for Gerrard and Rooney?" Well, they could equally be watching a game while they're out there, checking on Terry and Lampard. They're in luck with the latter, his goal greeted by a Lampard Senior close-up and a shot of a tailor's dummy with the Queen's effigy head stuck on the top and an England shirt on. We don't see the relevance either. Motty gets to feel slightly smug when Collina gives a decision on a foul on James and he confirms he "told you he was a lucky referee for England", then practices his counting - "one more goal and England will equal the five in Munich". Never to be forgotten, that. To a backdrop of imagined "jubliation in a lot of homes and a lot of public places" and a triumphant "France have scored three, England have scored four!" England "fire a four goal salvo" as "Rooney runs riot". He used to be a print sports journalist, you know. Ian declares Rooney "needs an asbestos kit" as he's "on fire", which is surely the last thing a man ablaze needs, and declares his second a "phoom finish". "I think they're big, strong and useless" is Alan's new view of the Croats. Nearly all Garth's questions start "a word about..." Wright's still pumped up, going so far in his Wayne love he even speculates "he looks great in the kit, doesn't he?" and admits "I wish I were amongst them" after very ITV-esque shots of fans in Birmingham, Manchester and, um, Basra. "Can we make toast of the host?" is Gary's weak final effort, but we doubt he bothered thinking about it too much.