TV Review - Thursday 24th June - England v Portugal

"Same time, same place, same team - same result would be nice." Nice intro line. "Sven has brought back his diamond - don't worry, not his formation, his geezer." Much less pleasing, Gary. In the studio are Alan, who advises the players "don't come off the pitch disappointed", Ian, who reckons England are "more favourites", and Peter, who as usual says nothing of note. Ledley King's out, Gary casting around for favourable comparisons and settling on Will Greenwood before hoping Owen scores as "we've run out of puns for Wayne Rooney". You never run out of that kind of thing, Gary. Motson senses deja vu, even to the point of questioning "you're in the same seats at home", and cites the various match-ups as "friends reunited, really". "No jokes, please, about turnips or tomatoes" he pleads, while Joe Royle talks up "the artistry of Deco". There are "nervous moments while the players get to know each other again", but not too many - "It's come off the defender - Owen has scored!" "Owen has paid back big time!" is Motson's meaningful if illogical appraisal. He appears to spend much of the half, not without reason, nervous about Portuguese attacks, referring at one point to "Neno... Nuno Gomes", but the defence just about holds firm, aided by "Neville, who's often the shop steward, is playing the shop keeper". Portugal nearly get a shot in while Motty is busy telling us Maniche's real name, but at least this proves John's done his background work, which you'd expect from him, but "Deco, who we hear will not now be going to Chelsea" is left without explanation. Royle reckons "their best player tonight has been Maniche, especially his long range shooting - he's got one goal already...", which may confuse latecomers seeing the 'POR 0 ENG 1' graphic. "An...An... Ashley Cole" is involved in "the Arsena-Man Utd debate" as he takes on Ronaldo, and for once is successful. "He really has got them up for this tournament, Eriksson" is Motty's rash overview, still sounding concerned as he misses a Costinha header over telling us about the last meeting between the sides. Still, "there are centre halves, and there are giants, and there's Sol Campbell". Er, yeah. Then, Rooney has a free kick given against him for being shadowed, or something. "I think his boot came off here, Joe!" "I don't think that's an offence" Royle replies, but there's problems. "A nation will hold its breath here, I think" Motty frets, but not as much as when the director cuts to a replay of the goal rather than watch Wayne get treatment, admitting "we hope to be able to show you that in pictures shortly". "David James is scrambling!" Joe advises "we should take our time", which at times seems to be the problem. John's more concerned watching Rooney at seemingly every opportunity, and a slo-mo from the BBC's own camera gets prior commentary - "I think it's an ankle, Joe" is the somewhat obvious conclusion. Motty appears particularly rattled by free kicks just outside the box, almost crying "there's nobody on the post". Joe has the Owen first goal odds to hand, but Motty's not concerned about that - "Rooney disappeared straight down the tunnel and he hasn't re-emerged". When news comes he apologises "sorry to interrupt myself, but I've got some news... he's gone off for an X-ray on an injured ankle". Cheers for that. Royle's more worried about the refereeing, and indeed being able to read David Beckham's mind, as apparently at one point after a Portuguese foul he's "asking what's the difference, why is there no yellow card Mr Meier?" And still the panic : "Figo is in the sort of position Zidane was in... there's nobody on the post", virtually right up to when the Figo shot bounces behind the goal. At half time he considers "the removal of Rooney" "more significant" than the goal, which is certainly an interesting reading of the scoreline. At half time something akin to despondency sets in, Reid claiming "they're controlling the middle park" and referring to one 'Concertina' yet somehow not noticing on the Rooney replay "his boot's off". There's cameras on crowds at Glastonbury and in the Eastenders bar, for whatever reason, but nobody's quite that lively outside. At one replay showing John Terry being caught too deep Hansen starts to turn into your dad shouting at the television : "Get out! GET OUT!" "Let's just remind ourselves at this stage that England are winning" Gary is forced to comment before throwing back to the commentators, Motson now determining the injury merely "the other significant moment". Does 'Big Phil Scolari' have to be referred to in commentaries by his full name by law? "If you're watching at home you're feeling a little uneasy at the moment, and so are we", and it shows. Royle is less than convinced by Phil Neville's arrival but seems to think he'll solidify the midfield. It works about as well as previously as "Portuguese poise has replaced English energy". Royle tempts fate by suggesting they "don't look particularly potent", Motty suggesting "what they are is persistent". As the England fans introduce the Portuguese to "shall we sing a song for you?", Motson reckons "Weary without Wayne is how I would sum England up at the moment". Leave it now, John, it's all conjecture. Royle pinpoints Luis Figo, for some reason, as the main threat, as he "might not be the player he was in other years, but he's pulling the strings". Which other years are these? Perhaps to make up for missing the injury that rocked a commentary position earlier there's a long close-up on Vassell on all fours for a short time after being tackled. "Have England got the mettle now to retain their lead?" You'd think so, what with "a displeased Figo went down the tunnel without stopping" after being replaced with Spurs' Helder Postiga and with Sol Campbell being "our own version of Robocop". His talents really don't end, by the sounds of it. Still they press, still they hold back. "They're going to be tortuous minutes, I fear" is the worried expression when the clock strikes 81, but on the bright side "if it stays like this, they go out of their own tournament". But... an equaliser. "This doesn't look good for England" Motty somewhat redundantly comments, while Royle's still off on his own agenda what with "Mr Meier realising he can book the boys in red as well as those in white". "How much of this goes back to the Rooney injury is something to be debated" - shut up, John! The chances of finishing before extra time don't look great as "Ricardo's just touched the ball for the first time in about 35 minutes", but then... "It's off the bar... and in - and it's not going to count... and Portugal are attacking! It's a repeat of Hodgargeltina!" Our sentiments entirely, John. "An incident there that will keep us talking for about three days" he overaccurately predicts, and while Royle initially blames John Terry, on the second replay he "can't see too much wrong with that at all". "I think Urs Meier said there was a push" is Motson's surprised reaction on seeing the referee indicate as such, and whatever else may or may not have happened to disallow the goal the only pushing going on was Campbell on Terry. Controversy! "I think we'll have a rest up here and leave it to Gary" John eventually withdraws. And hardly before time.

Back in the box Ian drops all pretence of even-handedness to declare "this referee's a homer", while Alan suggests they "don't feel sorry for yourselves". "It could be a silver goal, it could be penalties" Gary finishes, with no great positive emotion. Royle hopes "we are angry, I hope we are aggreived", but it doesn't look it. Motson chooses this moment to mention "I thought the refereeing would be influential in the second half in some strange way". He sounds about as drained as David Beckham, declaring at one stage "I really can't see any value in that kick from James" and trying to leaven the situation with nearly black humour, suggesting"the grocer from Zurich didn't balance the scales very fairly to England", which gets a "well done, John" from Joe. A cutaway reveals Sven giving instructions, Motty asking Joe what he might be saying and getting a very helpful "I don't understand Swedish" as response. The dark lining of the cloud of being level continues as John chooses to mention Ricardo "has a flamboyant reputation in the Portuguese league for saving penalties". Royle's summation is that "we've not been playing well but our blocking, our determination, our spirit's been fantastic", commenting also that having worked so hard "Ronaldo's not going to need a pre-season when he gets home". Paranoia seems to be setting in - "the referee has given a free kick in the last minute of... oh no, it's a throw." Royle seems to have forgotten that he's broadcasting to the nation, declaring again "we have definitely been cheated" over another showing of Campbell's moment cut short as Motson helpfully reminds us "there will not be a silver goal". Still there's "Scowling Phil Solari and serene Sven". "Whatever you were going to do after the match has been delayed" he reminds us, again acting as if he too were at home - "if England would just make a chance for Owen..." Instead we get "a blast from the past", Joe wondering "Where did that come from?" "Scolari's not scowling now" Motty helpfully adds, suggesting "we could all do with a drink, Sven" at a shot of the coach with a water bottle directly before Lampard makes it "a game that will be talked about for as long as the championship is played". "An extraordinary sequence of events" over, it's The Dreaded Penalty Shoot-Out, Gary dredging up some enthusiasm even though "first of all we've got to call for the paramedics", said to a soundtrack of Wright coughing profusely. The pundits then embark on a game of penalty taker guessing, wisely cut short just as Ian gets down to the Nevilles. Beckham takes the first and "put it miles over the bar... he's sliced it, Joe". Three later "there's really nothing much to say between these penalties, all the drama is in front of you", which makes you wonder what he's being paid for. The spot appears to be coming in for a lot of blame, given it appears to be built on the burnt parts of a field, Royle suggesting "they're all doing a bit of gardening round the penalty spot". Rui Costa throws England a lifeline as "oh, it's gone over as well", Joe still working the "there's definitely something gone wrong with the penalty spot there" angle. In fact, "this penalty spot is at the heart of everything that's going on here", which in a shoot-out is a fairly obvious thing to say, Ronaldo choosing to jump double-footed on it, which is "one way of dealing with it, I suppose". Motson is almost speechless in a way we've never heard him before - "it's breathtaking, it's theatre, it's so, so important. Heart-stopping stuff." The ugly truth dawns that "we're going to have to have a sixth kicker for each side", and after Ashley Cole surprises Motty - "oh, he rolled it in!" - "one or two of the Portuguese looked at each other - they weren't sure who was going to take the next one". It was Postiga, whose poor impression of Panenka still worked, Motson's note of caution being "they wouldn't have been so happy, Portugal, had it hit the post and stayed out". Unlikely, you'd have to say, as it went down the middle. "This must be gripping the nation, never mind Eusebio" is John's somewhat syntax-free reaction to a cutaway of the legend... and then Vassell goes and misses. "He's scuffed the ball - it's that penalty spot" is Royle's inevitable reaction before Portugal just take the piss. "And the goalkeeper could be taking it! He's going to take the penalty that could put England out... and he has!" "Almost speechless - Joe Royle, what can you say?" "We'll be talking about that disallowed goal forever and a day" is his reply, which is an improvement on Motson's three days. Lineker sounds positively inconsolable, throwing to the highlights with "it's largely irrelevant now" and the misses with "you're going to see this a few times over the next few years". Again Rooney's departure is held up as "the decisive moment of the game" and even the technicians seem drained of vitality and work skills, fading Steven Gerrard's voice up over a Erikssson on-camera interview. "England are going home after a penalty shoot-out and a mare of a decision from the referee" is Lineker's final words. Not hugely pithy, but it's been that kind of night.