TV Review - Wednesday 23rd June - Germany v Czech Republic

"Tonight it could be bye-bye Germany..." - or Holland, Des, but clearly they couldn't find any stereotypical Dutch fans to amateurishly read "forget Latvia, but we love your referee" and "we always get to the final". "There's hardly any names we recognise in there" is Des' view of the Czech side, but Terry's sticking to his line that "we want Holland to go through - more attractive". After Italy's elimination last night, best not push your luck for more of that. The crew sent to capture the atmosphere find some singing Germans, who in a marvellously incongruous yet at once ITV-like, and indeed destined for montages for the rest of the tournament, moment stop to tell those at home "we love your Rooney!" Des appears in the adverts voicing over the Lipton advert, which is against advertising standards regulations. Refusing to write off the Germans, Jon Champion nevertheless spots something - "Germany need to win the game, but one striker? What are they playing at?" Jon and Jim are in a laid-back mood considering, hailing "the best tackle on a match official we've seen so far this tournament", although Jon's "as they'd say in American football, second down and 8" is a step too far. Just as Champion finds time to ponder offside decisions, wondering "there's supposed to be daylight between players, isn't there, these days", Ballack strikes and Jon finds an extra couple of G's - "whaggagoal!" Meanwhile Holland have scored, and "we'll show you the incident in a few minutes... in fact, here it is". Director/commentator communication jumpy? The Czechs get a free kick, which "suits a left-footer, this", like, say, Heinz - "Oh, I say! Who needs Nedved?" The Germans are abject, meaning "Nowotny is again the most advanced player - am I missing something?" On their showing thus far Jim reckons they "don't deserve to progress - there isn't enough", whereas Heinz is such a commanding presence "he didn't get sick before he hit the ball", unswayed by Jon's reminder "that was the penalty, not the free kick". "Germany are in deep trouble" is his summary, Des pointing out they're "being held by the Czech... well, Czech reserves really". It's left to Tel to reach for the "57 varieties" line, but at least he's being entertained, responding to Des' chiding "you're delighted, aren't you?" with "I've got that orange look!" We'll do the knowing punchlines, thanks. This performance, of course, is against pretty much a reserve Czech side, hence when Vratislav Lokvenc injured himself Jon commenting "they might have to bring on Jan Koller!" Baros, actually, but the point remains. We get the tournament's first non-requirement of a lip reader, as Jon comments of a German "he knows how to swear in English", Jim almost resignedly replying "most of them do". It looks like Germany are to fall foul of "the group of you know what", and Champers can't contain himself when "Baros could finish the Germans here... auf weidersehen!" Now we can write off the Germans. "Maybe the disguise wasn't a disguise" Champers ponders of the famed German ability to come good after all, although calling their betters "bouncing Czechs" doesn't help his populist cause. He then ponders what Bild and the like will make of it all, referring to the sausage comparisons made after their Romanian 5-1 defeat and speculating "I'm sure they'll be frying those sausages tomorrow". "Some partisan supporters back home may consider this fantasy football" he cautions on what he calls "a seminal night for German football", and certainly the team are playing like reproductive seeds. "How the mighty are falling!" is the best he can come up with on the final whistle, followed by the idea that "the English sing about it, the Germans usually do it, but there'll be no great escape", remembering what audience will be cheering at that time. Back in the studio Robbie suggests "we should feel sorry for them, but we don't" and labels Baros "the Darius Vassell of Czech football", in case you couldn't grasp the concept of a player who seems to play better for his country than for his club. The talk of tomorrow is left until last, and no wonder when Des wonders aloud "Rooney and Ronaldo - sounds like a singing team, doesn't it?" No it doesn't. He ends with an appalling Sven impression for the second night in a row, just to put the dampener on what for a lot will be a great night. And on to the knock-out stages we go...