TV Review - Thursday 1st July - Czech Republic v Greece

They've got images of the tournament in the opening titles already, we see. "Portugal has gone stark staring bonkers", and tonight we learn whether it'll be accompanied by "dancing in the streets of downtown Athens". Not quite how the famous line works, Des, but close enough. "We could have a stylish game on tonight here, I think" is tempting fate, especially with Tel dubbing Greece "the heartbreakers". "Poborksy's playing better than ever since Euro 96" apparently, which doesn't work with or without a comma. Everyone then goes on about going on about Baros' inability to score at Liverpool, Tel reckoning of his good international scoring record "you don't know who they're playing in those games". Well, look it up then. Tel then questions "why I'm here with you two", completely ignoring a salient question about the age of the two coaches. He might have expanded on this were it not for the big phone-in competition, which by now is just insulting - Eric Cantona a possible 2000 final winning goal scorer? If you like. Des is thinking laterally, and filmic topically, in saying "some of the Greek fans think they're playing the Trojans" upon spotting someone in appropriate gear. The most important thing about the game turns out to be that Pierluigi Collina is reffing this game but not the final, probably the ITV camera picking out a 'Farewell Collina Next Stop The Premiership' banner accompanied by a paper plate with eyes drawn on. Clive's in charge, hailing "the best team in the competition - France? Spain? Holland? Italy? England? No, the Czech Republic". Ooh. There's "more familiar names on right of screen than left", because Greece are underdogs don't you know. The Czechs start well, Tomas Rosicky hitting the post, Clive thinking "sometimes it needs an explosive incident to lift some of the tension in a semi-final". Or a bald referee, admiringly captioning a close-up of Collina "the one and only". Karagoudis "enjoys himself on the ball, he is a ball player", which is nice to know. Clive manages some world class fence-sitting, adjudging a penalty shout "it was struck towards the arm of Pavel Nedved, and Nedved kind of moved his arm towards it". Mmm? While the Czech defence are "prone to conceding errors", Townsend illiterately reckons, they at least have a tall striker, and "when you've got Jan Koller in the wall (at a conceded free kick) it's difficult to get it up and down". As Koller and Kapsis battle for a 50-50 ball Clive is moved to "look at the difference in height there", a mismatch that apparently "reminds me of one of Audley Harrison's early fights". BBC, you see. Rehhagel, a "German with a Greek temperament", is seeing his side come back into it slowly, but of course the real central figure is Collina, Clive dredging up a wrong Dutch penalty decision in 2000 and reckoning "I don't think he's been fooled a lot before or since". Given he was briefly suspended from Serie A a year later, we'd suggest perhaps so. Then we have the unedifying spectacle of Clive forgetting a punchline in the middle of delivering it - "two balls on the pitch at the moment - even Sepp Blatter would... would..." Yes, Clive. Maybe it's this that shakes him up so much he briefly claims a Rusedski is playing in midfield for the Czechs. He's still going on with his earlier obsession - "not exactly a player who can sneak up on you, Koller" - while Andy - your co-commentator tonight, which means Sir Bobby must have been sent out for two commentaries and one studio appearance alone, and also we'll not yet get to hear David Pleat tackling the pronunciation of Ujfalusi - picks up the other loose constant thread, continually claiming "another good decision" whenever Collina makes a decision of any kind. Let it go! Then there's a problem, as "Pavel Nedved's knee is to be the problem here" and he's going off, Tyldesley claiming "I think he's in distress emotionally and physically at the moment" while "Smicer's job is to replace the irreplacable". Not quite, actually. "It's not the pain from the knee" that's causing him to look disconsolate, like he'd know for sure. The half-time verdict is "at about five to eight tonight" the Czechs were dominating but not so much as the half went on, Des suspecting Rehhagel has "won the coaching manual contest of the first half", Venables worryingly suggesting part of his tactics is man-marking so tight they're "right inside their shorts", meaning "by the end of the half time their noses were in front". "No goals yet, but there will be some" is Des' appeal to the viewers, which should come as music to the ears of the sponsors and advertisers. Back at the game Clive's chancing it with "Koller held back - he had his collar felt" while suggesting Collina receives "not a hint of dissent to any decision he gives". No, Clive, of course he doesn't, and he never has. Satirism follows, of a particularly poor stripe, as he considers "the English papers were reporting this morning that Milan Mandaric, the Portsmouth chairman, is interested in Poborsky. I was beginning to think there was one player at these championships who wouldn't be linked with Portsmouth, and there was the last one". Yes, we particularly recall the Zidane To Pompey headlines, Clive. He then destroys his own one-liner by listing four. Greece are trying hard, Rosicky missing out as Clive ponders "you probably saw the bubble coming out of his head saying 'crikey, these guys are difficult to play against'", and the fans are enjoying it at least, as "the whole of the Greek corner of the ground is just bouncing at the moment". Shouldn't these major competitions be subject to stringent safety tests? "Katsouragis has just enough inches to grow" apparently, while Poborsky proves himself "the master of the chip" as one, um, goes well over. There's no replay, much to Clive's chagrin, who perhaps mindful of the previous night's Maniche goal reminds us with more than a hint of ire that "the pictures are being provided by Portuguese television tonight". Four bookings down, Clive spots none of the five starters already on a yellow has had a second, wondering "do you think that Pierluigi Collina knows who they are?" What difference that makes we're not sure, and not long afterwards he books one anyway, making mincemeat of Andy's view that this is because "they have a better referee in charge of it". Townsend's sure of where the game will be won and lost, hailing "coaches who are prepared to take a risk to win a game" like nobody ever brought on an extra striker before. Clive reminds us that Sunday is "Des Lynam's last show for us - our lives won't be quite the same afterwards". Really. He then goes "mmm, footballers!" for no reason, which just worries us. The Czechs press on, Koller missing ("it was a bad miss, but who's going to tell him?" - big, you see) and Baros shooting wide, Clive still calling him "the man with the midas touch" despite missing "what would surely have been a golden goal". But Clive, it's silv... forget it. He misses a cutaway of Platini with someone who looks not unlike Alan Shearer next to him, in any case, so be grateful for small mercies. He then tops his own baffling efforts by insisting Kapsis, when pushed by Koller, "goes to the ground, almost Basil Fawlty style". We must have missed that one. Where has Des' insistence on referring to games as "nought-nought" come from?

So we're into extra time, and because silver goal rules are so impossible to follow Clive feels it necessary to inform us "the key to understanding the golden goal is not to think of it as a goal at all". What is it, then? He reminds us "the last goal that we (as in he and Townsend) saw was scored by Frank Lampard", which is heartening. "It's another one of those nights when it's almost impossible to ask your son to go to bed" apparently, this being the main thing to talk about in games that go to extra time obviously. But the other end of the age scale isn't neglected, Clive noting it's "a late night for the two senior citizen coaches". But not too late. And here's an odd thing, as Greece take the free kick, Dellas heads and Clive remarks casually "they have scored..." It's as if he hasn't cottoned on to the thought that when the ball goes into the goal it's a moment of some importance, and the gap afterwards is long enough for Andy or the engineer to give him a nudge before he shouts "perfect timing!" That would take some explaining if anyone ever takes it up with him, and it's fair to say that'll be heavily edited before Sunday. Eventually he realises, stating "not even they believed that was possible at the start". Within a couple of minutes pictures from Athens are inserted, Clive going into cliche overdrive, saying "there will be no sleeping in that, or any other Greek town tonight" and reckoning "plenty of ouzo will be downed". "Hands up at home, who tipped Greece to make it to the final? No, thought so." "We are back where we started" is his final comment, Des adding "Greek football is in wonderland - well, they're in the final of Euro 2004". Interesting tautology. Just as Terry tells us man to man marking is "a German tactic" we go to Stelios Giannakopolous, and "he's with his son, is he?" Yes he is, parrying every Matt question. Tel wants to praise Greece, but Des stops him with "sorry to interrupt, but the big centre forward for the Czechs could have won the match". Well, clearly that couldn't have waited. Unbelievably, we get a Tour de France trail, followed by Portugal-Holland highlights ("it's old twinkletoes again"), and not before time the Campbell disallowed goal makes another appearance, giving Terry another chance to sit on the fence at length, while Ally thinks "there'll be a lot of disappointment from the big nations". Oh, well, Ally, let's give the whole tournament another go and see if we can come up with finalists that are more glamorous for the advertisers, shall we? Again, they could have finished much earlier, especially as there's a live Fantasy Football on next, but oh, we must get ITV's own Goal Of The Tournament competition, Des introducing it "here's a chance to start a row in your house". We doubt anyone's really that bothered, but thanks for thinking of us all the same. "It's not a competition, it's just an argument" is Des' words out of the package, and it doesn't even appear to be a phone-in to boot, just something for Tel and Andy to engineer an argument about. If it was a phone-in, of course, as we know from the Premiership Goal Of The Months, the winner wouldn't be anybody else's idea of Goal Of The Tournament. They seem to be rounding up the tournament in advance, perhaps knowing nobody will watch the final with them. "Why don't we watch it together? It's a date" Des coyly flirts at the end. On the back of this date?