TV Review - Sunday 27th June - Czech Republic v Denmark

"I think I've just about got over the first of them" Gary assures us introducing the last quarter-final, but "what would you rather win - the European Championships or the World Cup?" OK, Gary, we know you've not been on since, but get over it already. Pointlessly, Jamie Redknapp's been upgraded to the live team - it can't be because he impressed on the highlights shows, can it? "The not so great Dane, Alan Hansen" reveals his grandfather was Danish, which is a turn-up. Even with a slightly shortened intro Gary has to fill with a quiz question which confuses everyone before Barry's ready. "There are quite a few empty seats in the stadium tonight" is his almost regretful early note, but he does perk up on seeing a "very tuneful young lad" among the Czechs. Jose Mourinho's there, as "he seems to be everywhere at the moment, and saying a lot". To who? The Czechs are top of the Fair Play league at least, Barry remembering to note they're "among the contenders at playing the game as well". His usual foibles come into play, as a felled player recovers "like Lazarus" and he virtually scolds the referee for giving "a free kick for such a silly thing like that". Oh, and all them foreign funny names, especially those that "sounds like a ladies' netball match". As a trumpeter starts playing Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye Baz notes "it was league football, now it's cup football", perhaps misinterpreting the tournament structure. A long stoppage leads to Barry and Mark Lawrenson casting an eye over the stands, Lawro wondering "I'm sure there was a man at the back who was asleep" while Baz points to "the man in the bare chest with 1992 written across it" and "a lady looking up at the monitor". No, it's not a classic. "You know how bad the game is? We've got a Mexican wave." Don't commentators usually love that kind of thing? Lawro has a plan, as in "last night's game, the best bit was extra time, so let's just fast forward and cut out the middle". Baz harks back to the days when "I mentioned players wanting other players to be booked and I was taken to task by Joe Mercer", expanding on this no more. We know Mercer was one of the first regular BBC pundits, but that's taking it a bit too far. "That half was so bad, even the technique on the Mexican wave was poor" is Gary's summation, adding "the reserves were better than this - perhaps they should come back". Hansen says "they've been on the booze every night", which may well be libellous, while Gary calls Koller "the proverbial head on a stick". Alan complains "you always give us something that's half-decent", which leads Gary to promise "special moments", Alan accurately predicting "oh, it's comedy then?" When the two Czechs late back onto the pitch return we get going, and soon enough "the goalkeeper comes and doesn't get there", Koller putting in so little effort "the lighthouse barely had to flash its light". Er, if you want. Barry's ire is raised by Jesper Gronkjaer combining a neat fall under no pressure with a pull of Nedved's hair : "Unbelievable! Unbelievable! And that wasn't too good either... cheating is the word." Milan Baros gets his revenge for Pavel soon enough and the Czechs are coasting through, Lawro replying to a substitution query "and your reading of that is?" "the Czechs are winning 2-0" and leaving it at that. "There might be more, there might be here... there is!" 3-0, and "as against England in the World Cup, so against the Czech Republic". "They're certainly not the only team in this Championship who have contributed to their own downfall" he helpfully adds, while Mark suggests someone "take Peter's shoelaces off before it gets any worse". Otto Rehhagel is spotted making copious notes, Lawro suggesting "he's given a Viking funeral to his Danish notes". In the middle of a stadium? "Listen to the hand he's being given" is Barry's illogical but proud statement as Baros goes off. Another old chestnut is revived when Cech makes a diving block and Barry tut-tuts "in the Premiership he might be made to pay for it". Foreign keepers, you see, always parrying or punching the ball away. Nedved's still trying, Barry almost proudly noting "you'd have thought it was still 0-0, the determination to win that ball" as the Danes start to lose it, Gravesen kicking Heinz and then shouting at him, Barry rhetorically asking "what's he complaining about?". As Lawro refers to someone called Groncher Baz notes "a reluctance from Danish supporters to join in the rave, save to say goodbye". "Tomas Sorensen, warming the air" doesn't sound like the most workable of eco-systems to us. Barry by this stage has completely lost it, reckoning the Czechs in Porto is "appropriate... fine wine, well matured", with "a sprinkling of youngsters to fortify the wine". But Barry, it's not wine. They're enjoying this, the Republic, "all the noise is coming from the throats of Czechs" and "even their goalkeeper can show he's useful on the deck" as he turns an onrushing striker. 3-0, then, "the Czech Republic challenge goes on, and it is a considerable challenge". Peter Schmeichel back in the box gives a lesson on defending corners which includes the wise advice "you need to have players inside the box, and players outside the box", gary chiding "it must be very difficult for Sorensen, he looks up and in the top left hand corner there's Schmeichel". Top left? From both boxes? Gary and Alan find amusement in Nedved falling over some bottles until Gary admits "I think we're overdoing that joke", something you'd never hear from, say, Ally McCoist, before Hansen turns on Lineker's dismissals of Koller, claiming "you said he's such a bad player you couldn't believe he was playing in such a good team" and knowingly concluding "he knows nothing about centre forwards". He's happy, though, given "Holland were one of the five teams I picked before the start... Peter Reid picked 16". Gary does however spoil the mood at the death with another one from the Bumper Book Of Czech Jokes, being "Czech-out time for the Danes". Three games left...