TV Review - Friday 25th June - France v Greece

An enthralling tactical battle in the knockout stages of a major competition? That can wait, we've got England to get through first. "Got over it yet?" Well, clearly Terry hasn't, as he's raging about it. Andy's "looked at this all day" with regard to the disallowed goal, while Des exhorts us to "watch the ball rather than the kicker" as if nobody else had suggested the penalty spot might have become substandard. "Our cameraman got down onto the pitch last night", and sure enough there's a close-up of the offending turf. In daylight. "Well, Plan A was to be that we'd meet them again in the final", but with no pre-game analysis at all - got to get the competition in - straight to Drury, who refers to "that penalty save, Roy Of The Rovers style" which apparently saved France. We suspect a couple of incidents some time after that decided the fate of the game better, but never mind. The tournament "now deprived of England but not of players well known to the English" - got over it yet? - continues with, er, David Pleat, whose habit of opening his co-commentaries "evening all" is really starting to grate almost as much as when he starts giving facts about players, which is surely the commentator's job. Drury's soaping him up, of course, claiming Santini "has big shoes to climb into at Tottenham" as if the former manager was The Old Woman Who Lived In A Shoe. A few minutes later Drury claims Olivier Dacourt "has big boots to fill" too, so maybe the FFF just ordered a lot of oversized footwear. "They're claiming it's over the line" Drury wonders as Barthez scrambles and we get three replays, not that he seems to have an inkling either way after all those. On second thoughts Pleat might be doing it deliberately, as surely nobody would properly comment on seeing the ball made dead so treatment could be administered
"that's been a terrific thing in the competition, the way players have kicked the ball out". It's like Jimmy Hill was back. We know, of course, that Drury is something of a mark for Henry and France, but he sounds positively let down when commenting "it's not happening". As Pleat praises someone called Lizazaru, something he'll do a couple more times before the end of the game, Peter's contacts apparently tell him "they've not seen so many Greek flags being flown since the end of the occupation in 1945". And they say we pointlessly bring up the war. With time "before France can head back into the cool of the dressing room and ask 'anyone got an idea?'" Zidane gets booked and Peter gets loose - "no reputation too big for Anders Frisk - you may be the best in the world, mate, but a foul's a foul". Er, yeah. Still, aren't they doing well, the little Greeks? According to Drury they "surely don't have to apologise for their methods here... their best trick was to make it hard for them", you know, what with playing better football and having better chances. Peter brings up "Martin O'Neill when he was at Leicester" as a comparison to hand, which marks him out as the insular one. 0-0 at half time, with "just an inkling that something strange may happen", but the team find some things to praise France on, specifically that "he doesn't seem to muck it up, as they say, Henry". The over the line debate is brought up, Des reminding us that "the whole of the ball over the whole of the line - they're laughing because our good old friend Jimmy Hill used to say that all the time", Townsend asking "are you going to give us a rendition?" We don't remember Jimmy ever saying that, but never mind. We're sure Venables is making it up too when he says of a Greek potshot "they used to call it a paintbrush, he's swiping his foot under the ball". Then we get another angle of the ball/line debate, Des, Tel and Andy providing live commentary on the close-up : "I think it is there?" "No, Des, behave yourself!" "There! There! There!" "There!" "that's not..." Unfortunately you can only see the ball on widescreen TV sets, and we don't have one. Well done, ITV. "Look in the paper, as they say - it's still 0-0" Drury reminds us, mentioning possibly with half an eye on the previous day "manicured football pitches alone don't provide results" and then starting going on about the fair play league. Shortly afterwards he brings up Antonis Nikopolidis' forthcoming move from Panathanaikos to Olympiakos, claiming "you just don't do that, in the way that Sol Campbell couldn't possibly have moved from Spurs to Arsenal." He could have just referred to them as city rivals, but no, the England player had to get a pointless mention. And then look what happens "Now then! The champions are wobbling here... and Charisteas is on the edge of becoming a Greek god!" Always has to go that little bit further, doesn't he? Pleat points out the contribution by "ex-Leicester City player Zagorakis", as if that's where he learnt how to play at this level. Zagorakis was an O'Neill signing for the club, actually - shouldn't you have mentioned that at the time? "We've seen some funny results, but none would be funnier than this" is the best way Drury can describe what is unfolding before him, speculating "this is opening up for the hosts, but that's a conversation for later". Has to be brought back as soon as possible to home issues, though, as he cautions "we are 25 minutes away from saying this is Santini's last game as coach of France, so he'll be arriving at White Hart Lane on time after all". Then he really goes for it. "According to mythology the ancient Greeks had twelve great Olympian gods - these days they're saying they just field eleven at a time. I would suspect Dionysis, the god of wine, would be fairly prominent if they win tonight." Alright, stop it with the half remembered A-level course. And who are these people who say that? It's just you, Peter, isn't it? It's all falling apart, "Gallas is saying where's the marking - well, he's one of the back four too", just as it is in the British commentary box, judging by "France have inspirers... Venetidis is certainly a perspirer tonight." That can't have been an ad-lib. "Greece must remember England", however, as France press and Tsiartas is withdrawn, Peter speculating "I'd be surprised if there is rubber left in his soles". How much of a surprise is it? Well, if anyone was going to stop France, "it might have been England, it might have been Spain, it could have been Portugal or Italy... it might be Greece". And in case you can't grasp how defeat might feel, "think how it feels to be French now - think how it felt to be English last night". Yeah, cheers Peter, many of us support teams who lose games on a semi-regular basis. France continue, and eventually "HENRY!" Drury's scream is wasted as it floats wide. "That's a massive chance - you had your shirt, your trousers, your socks and your shoes on him" he nonsensically comments, adding "those go in for Arsenal" somewhat unnecessarily. Pleat, ever the unromantic, uses a stoppage in play due to Charisteas going down injured to demand the referee book him for timewasting. "He's OK, he's, he's stopped the game, and that's what the French didn't want... that was naughty too, should have played that ball into touch, he's played it to Barthez." Thank christ he's not your manager, eh? In fact he's sounded all game like the man least bothered by events going on around him. "Lizarazu! Lizarazu! It's getting away" is Drury's reaction to France's last chance, the name twice perhaps to take the piss out of Pleat, also commenting "the potential outcome is unthinkable - was unthinkable, now it's fact, and it hurts some people", over a shot of an implacable looking Santini. "This isn't a myth - can I say that" ventures Pleat, surely not needed given what his colleague's floated during the game, noting "the Greek commentators are going mad, they're standing in front of us - sit down!" Again, what a romantic. "The end! Staggering! The kings of Europe dethroned by the Greek gods!" He always has to ruin it right at the end, doesn't he? "The French don't know which way to look" he states, adding "in a year when Olympians will visit Athens and do good for sport, how uplifting that the Greek nation has this to carry back with it." That doesn't make sense, does it? Back in the studio Andy does his patented telling us what someone else's graphics are already showing us in the hope it makes him look incisive, and total comment on the game is restricted to under three minutes so they can talk about England. If you're not bothered about plausibly the biggest upset in European Championship history because Andy Townsend wants to slag off David Beckham yet again, ITV, don't bother in future.