TV Review - Wednesday 30th June - Portugal v Holland

Hang on, Platini's famous winner against Spain in 1984 to open? Ah, we see, "a remarkable statistic" - "no, not the last time Motty got excited" Gary gags, perhaps forgetting Alfonso - being this was the last time the hosts got to the final, all having fallen at the semi-final hurdle since. Big Phil Scolari gets mobbed on his way in as Gary gets all clever about how he could become the first foreign coach to win a major tournament - "yes, I know strictly speaking they're all foreigners to us, but you know what I mean." Tonight the Dutch are wearing "white, with just a dash of orange". Schmeichel has been appointed Portugal expert in situ, saying of Scolari that after a slow start in winning public opinion "they love him... they want him as president or prime minister". They have both? Hansen's job is to analyse a defender, Carvalho, as "it's not often we get a Portuguese defender to eulogise". "What awaits us now, apart from the national anthems?" is Motty's rhetorical, not to mention prosaic, question. The referee is "Anders Frisk - he is frisk, the way he runs around the pitch", which is more information than we strictly required. Motty starts awkwardly, slipping up with "Figo for Holland - sorry, Portugal" and mentioning "the omens would appear to be with the hosts - except for that curse Gary Lineker was talking about earlier", surely a producer reminder. "Deco, aptly named - he decorates the game in midfield" is Barry Davies at his most hackneyed. Portugal start well, Lawro reckoning "this is the best start to any game that they've made", but Motty is star spotting, seeing Platini on the monitor and commenting "we showed that famous goal from 1984, and the scorer is in the stadium". Lawro invokes Ron Atkinson by reckoning "he beat him for fun" - and in no other way - before suggesting he's been ringing home like a typical British tourist when Motson comments on the heat, replying "don't tell them at home, it's raining, isn't it?" Someone in crowd appears to have a harmonica, but it's not Johan Cruyff, who Motson points out in another crowd shot, Lawro curiously suggesting "we'll take your word he's in the stadium". "Maybe Cruyff will come and comment on the game in the second half". We can but hope. As Portugal press and someone in the crowd plays a harmonica Lawro suggests drastic measures early, harking back to when "they brought van Hooijdonk on towards the end and played real route one football", Motty replying "that was against Germany, I saw that game". He watches football? Wow! Ronaldo's getting in, running with "first one foot, then the other", and he's quite good with his head too. Not that that's Motson's primary concern. "Oh, and that's Ronaldo! A goal for Portugal... but he's taken his shirt off and Anders Frisk is going to book him! He's gone to the crowd and Frisk is reaching for his yellow card!" Ever the football romantic. "But never mind, Portugal won't worry too much about that" he eventually concedes, although he seems more rattled than Cristiano himself. "A halting performance by Holland, but a positive one by Portugal" seems the sort of line he's been writing down for five minutes, which seems awkward. Of course, we all love Motty when he really gets excited. "Stil Luis FigOOAAAAAAAAOOO! He's hit the post! One of the moments of the tournament!" Well, it wasn't a goal and they're still behind in the semi-final, but it's the thought that counts. "Every time it gets into the Portuguese half, Portugal break away" is Lawro's adjudication, while even Motty gets critical of "Seedorf and Davids, two players whose reputations I've never quite understood". "Dutch players arguing with each other" Motty observes as they defend a free kick, which Lawro observes is "nothing new there, then". "After a slow start that certainly livened up" Gary reckons at half time, the pundits all in praise of the Portuguese. Peter admits previously "I haven't been the greatest fan of Figo in this tournament", Ian pointing out "You've been slaughtering him". Gary relays the news that a Dutch pundit thought Advocaat should be "hung or (mutters)" "Or what?" "Hung or stabbed!" That gets them in a good mood, Wright's observation on Davids' defending at the goal, "why do people hold the post?", leading everyone to piss themselves at the slo-mo. Alan sees Scolari reflecting "happy, happy times", Gary jumping the gun in labelling him a "genius". Luis Figo's performance is a particular high point, Alan remarking "Beckham used to do that" as if David was a contemporary of Stanley Matthews. Ian says van der Sar "looks like a Subbuteo goalie" diving for Figo's shot, while Peter suggests his improved game has been helped because after the England substitution "he needed a good kick... I won't say the next part of it". What next part? "They've got a mountain to climb - no mountains in Holland" is far too quick from Gary, who mocks Ian for his liking for Arjen Robben by showing a clip of him booting the ball 60 yards to nowhere, Wright straight-facedly asking "how do you do that?" On re-emerging Motson notes the Portuguese "look to me to have the more lively expressions", while on the other side "he's having one, Van Bronckhorst, I'm afraid". Interesting vernacular. "They're so much more mobile, Portugal, than Holland" Lawro chips in, and Portugal are continuing where they left off. "And here's Pauleta, real chance for Portugal - and van der Sar saves! That was the moment when they could have put one foot in the final!" That came a bit later, at which Motson nearly went stratospheric : "it's been taken quickly... and Maniche! Amazing! 2-0 Holland! Where did that come from?" Lawro adds "this'll be up there, one of the goals of the tournament". And it was, not that we knew at the time, the director having missed the strike showing a replay of the corner being conceded, although Motson had spotted the danger in his commentary. "I don't think our host broadcasters really caught it" he later notes, adding "it's almost a Van Basten - it wasn't on the volley, of course." Well, cheers. Just as we suspect the BBC duty log switchboard overflows, he adds "we're sorry that the local coverage didn't give you better coverage of that goal, as you know the BBC aren't in control of these pictures - I don't think van der Sar caught it either". Ho ho. "All over Lisbon, all over the country there'll be great scenes of jubilation" he states not exactly chancing his arm with rash predictions, but before we know it "van Nistelrooy's in here... oh, it's an own goal!" John's speech suddenly becomes very clipped when identifying Jorge Andrade as the defender whose interception meant "Holland, almost accidentally, are back in the semi-final". Lawro thinks had his defender not got there "the goalkeeper might have saved it also." "also." "That's the end of that." Nice to have these exchanges during the live game, chaps. Motson spends the rest of the game a notch above his already fairly excitable state, chastising the coverage ("not quite sure why we're seeing Ronaldo's goal again"), noting "there's a row going on with the referee" on a semi-regular basis and pacifying Lawro when he comes in with lines like "you could say the goalkeeper's hopping mad, I suppose" when Ricardo goes down injured. "Anything can happen in this semi-final now" he predicts, although perhaps putting it a little too all-inclusively. Ricardo rolls around again, an unsympathetic Lawro commenting "he's been shot". Holland have their dander up, Davids marauding so well Motson is forced to concede "I take back what I said about him in the first half". Holland are trying everything - "he's won a free kick - I thought he threw himself there a bit" - but just as Motson ventures "surely Anders Frisk will blow any time?" "He has!" and Portugal are in a final. John celebrates by turning into Barry Davies. "500 years ago the explorer Vasco de Gama discovered a new world from these parts, and now Portugal are in uncharted territory." Mmm. Looking back, Gary remarks on Ronaldo's celebration "if I had a body like that I'd take my shirt off too" and there's more Davids post-minding comedy, Ian taking the biscuit with "he's a little dreadlocked teapot!" Gary again apologises for them Portugals missing the second goal, attempting "rumours that the cameraman was David James are incorrect" to groans, and worries "we've got no chance of getting any sleep whatsoever". At least he's got a few days off now. Wright analyses the own goal, reckoning "if a forward tried to get onto that to chip the keeper he couldn't do it - only a defender could do that". Ian's own abilities to read strikers come into question, being royally prodded about his predictions of great things for Pauleta and admitting "I think I've jinxed the guy", Alan teasing "How many goals has he got?" and receiving "he's not got any, Al, and I think you know that" before vainly offering up "I tipped Milan Baros as well. Do you not remember me doing that?" Luis Figo doing the British TV post-match interview again! "I think Portugal have fantastic players, youngest players..." is his declaration for the team's success. "The good news is we'll see Pauleta in the final, the bad news is we won't see Robben" Gary wraps up with the pundits. Overmatey in the circumstances, yes, but let's see Des and Andy do that sort of thing. So that's the stadium full for the final - let's see the quality of opponent before we become too hasty...