Euro 2004 Preview - Group A

Welcome, then, to IUFGN's Euro 2004 blog. As we go along we'll be complementing our traditional wry commentary on news links - pray silence for the first pointless story about sex rules for the tournament - we'll be taking the comedy sickle to the coverage of the tournament, and to start with we've decided to go exactly the same route as every other Euro 2004 preview special and take an Ivan Gaskell-style closer look at the sixteen teams doing light battle, albeit in a way you can understand. Thus:

GREECE

Narkiness level : Middling, liable to edge upwards.

Player most likely to be big money Premiership flop : Striker Zissis Vryzas, who's just helped Fiorentina back into Serie A, is occasionally linked with a middling club, they perhaps put off by a petition from commentators.

Best player left at home : Christos Patsatzolglou, a more than likely starter out injured for more than a year.

Likelihood of internal squabbling : Almost guaranteed. Demis Nikolaidis, a striker currently at Atletico Madrid, helmed an attempted takeover plan for AEK Athens, whose players turned it down last week. The next day a large group of fans turned up at the training ground and proceeded to decimate it and attack players. Playmaker Vassilis Tsiartas, one of five AEK players in the team, accused Nikolaidis of condoning this, saying "I am really sorry that we will be together on the team for all this time".

Vaguely amusing anagram of coach's name : Loathe To G Her (more of an unsuccessful hip-hop track title)

And? : They have belief, but an ageing side gives them little real chance even before the internal warfare.

PORTUGAL

Narkiness level : Always unstable, their protestations after losing the 2000 semi-final to Abel Xavier's handball should have earned them a medal from UEFA or something.

Player most likely to be big money Premiership flop : They've already got a big one in Helder Postiga, who was Porto's top scorer last season. Now they're in the Champions League final without him, which certainly demonstrates something. Deco has talked about following Mourinho to Stamford Bridge, which may be ensuring shortened nights round at Scott Parker's.

Best player left at home : One-time Best Keeper In Europe contender Vitor Baia has been out of Luiz Felipe Scolari's good books for some time over perceived indiscipline. Luis Boa Morte was considered a Scolari favourite until last week, while squad regular Hugo Viana also misses out.

Likelihood of internal squabbling : Scolari has a reputation for preferring workers to creatives, which makes you wonder why he took the Portugal job.

Vaguely amusing anagram of coach's name : Follicular Size Pie

And? : The great future contenders of European football, the last chance for the Golden Generation - flair should see them into the later stages of the knockout section, determination and the level of home backing will be crucial in whether that run continues.

RUSSIA

Narkiness : Not great.

Player most likely to be big money Premiership flop : Smertin and Champions League final scorer Alenichev aside, Russians don't travel well - their all-time leading scorer Vladimir Beschastnykh fell completely out of favour after a spell in Spain so disastrous no top flight club wanted him when he moved back home.

Best player left at home : Georgi Yartsev has a number of injury worries and is delaying naming his final squad until the last possible day. Drugged-up playmaker Yegor Titov is definitely out, while veteran midfielder Valeri Karpin recently retired from international football.

Likelihood of internal squabbling : Not a great issue since the days of perceived CSKA/Lokomotiv squad cliques.

Vaguely amusing anagram of coach's name : Age Strive Gory

And? : With a questionable defence and misfiring strikers it took a minor miracle for Russia to get to the play-offs. Any further than the group stage here would be beyond the dreams of avarice.

SPAIN

Narkiness : Always liable to go off on one at a moment's notice.

Player most likely to be big money Premiership flop : Rumour is that Manchester United are targeting Valencia winger Vicente, and we know what their form has been like with recent foreign signings. Raul Bravo nearly beat him to this mantle.

Best player left at home : Valencia's Mista played a big part in helping his side to the UEFA Cup and was the third highest scorer in La Liga, higher than any other Spaniard, so of course he was never in contention. No Reyes either - well, he's not a player for now, he's one for the future of Arsenal, isn't he?

Likelihood of internal squabbling : Most likely when they hear the first journalist ask "could this, at last, be your year?"

Vaguely amusing anagram of coach's name : I Iz A Snake

And? : It must work out for them eventually but precedent doesn't out work well in their favour, and the reliance on Raul as sole striker could backfire badly given his non-out and out striker status and appalling domestic season.